My Other Mother

When my mother-in-law was diagnosed with Sino Nasal cancer a few months ago, the world literally stopped moving for a second. She is one of the kindest, most caring, and generous persons in the world who has also been a vegetarian for more than 30 years (which means she was on a healthy diet) so obviously I asked God ‘Why her?’

But God being the ultimate teacher showed me the reasons why he chose his special child to go through such a difficult and harrowing test.

When her son broke the news to her, it was on Deepavali day and obviously, she was shattered but she still chose to join us to go to the temple with the rest of the family. And I thought it was incredibly brave of her to do that when her own world has gone off its axis. As she prostrated on the bare cold floor at the temple, something she always does at the temple despite her age, I made a plea to God to give us the courage to go through this test with her.

The family after prayers in the temple for Deepavali

Prayer; the most powerful weapon against trials. The most effective medicine against sickness and the most valuable gift to someone you love.

My 76-year-old MIL had to undergo 35 cycles of radiotherapy and observe a strict diet. My close knit of in laws quickly formed a support network to manage her appointments and her after session care. After weighing all considerations and numerous discussions, it was decided that she was to stay with her brother for the week while the rest of the family takes turn to do the needful

This was her regimen for the past few months; most weeks she will have 5 days of sessions in the University Hospital. Which means she comes up to KL on Monday and stay on till Friday. After her session on Friday, she returns to Melaka to be treated with Integrative Medicine from Friday to Monday morning. It was grueling but she stuck to it like a true warrior.

As the sessions continued, the schedules became more punishing for her due to fatigue but she soldiered on, putting one foot in front of the other. Her goal was to beat this, and she was not letting anything to waver her focus.

Due to work commitment, I only managed to accompany her for 5 sessions. The first one was in the beginning, the next 3 towards the end of the cycle and one the final day.

I clearly remember my first session with her. I met her at the entrance, and we walked slowly together to the clinic, she led the way. We took the number and waited and when it was her turn, I followed her in where she needed to change before she goes into the radiotherapy room. She waved at me and stepped into the room. 15 minutes later, she came out and we left for Suren’s uncle’s place. She took a quick shower and had a simple meal. We chatted for a while then left. Later in the evening, we brought the kids over. Despite being tired, she played with them.

The rest of the sessions, Suren was with her so when I ask him how she was, he’d say she is Okay. Fast forward weeks later, I had the chance to accompany her again and this time there was a vast difference. She walked slower and she spoke less. She was anxious to see her number displayed on the screen. And she went into the room without waving. I knew she was tired but still not a word of complaint. She took over 2 hours to complete her lunch. Despite being tired, she made sure she ate most of it as she knew she needed the nutrients. It was painful to watch her take a spoonful and pat her chest to ensure the food goes down smoothly. We spoke for a bit but then realized the sooner she finishes her meal, the sooner she gets to rest.

Accompanying her was not a trouble but watching her and wondering what her thoughts are, overwhelmed me. I felt ill equipped to be part of the team of taking care of her. I had neither the medical experience nor enough empathy to care for her properly. This is the lady who took care of both her mother and husband diligently when they were not well. She was the pillar of support for them and the rest of the family. How do we react when the pillar itself is crumbling? It was mind boggling for myself and the only thing I could pray fervently for is for her to have the strength to carry on the full 35 sessions and for us to support her the best we can. There are days where she felt sore and achy, but she trudged on. Her perseverance amazed me. She shows up every single day weaker than the day before but more determined to finish the course. Her independence was admirable. She cared for herself and slept alone. Every morning, without fail, she will be at the dining table downstairs ready to be sent for her treatment.

Because of the type of cancer she has, it was visible on her face, and it changed her appearance drastically. Once she asked me if it looked bad and I said No. She paused for a while and said to me, ‘It doesn’t matter how I look; I just want to get better’ I choked and mumbled meekly ‘You will, aunty’

I never liked going to the hospital. I am sure many don’t but when my late father-in-law and grandmother in law were unwell, hospital visits were frequent so when I decided to accompany my MIL for her treatment, I thought the emotions I would experience would be the same, so I was somewhat prepared. But it was different altogether. There is an aisle that we need to walk through before we reach the radiotherapy centre. This is where you will see cancer patients sitting left and right with their family members waiting to get medications or to see the doctor. As we both walk hand in hand towards the end of the aisle, I will glance at the people sitting there. Most of them looking pale with glassy eyes while those who accompany them will be on the phone. My heart constricts every time I walk pass the aisle thinking that there are so many people who are unwell. Once, I overhead a couple talking to a first timer at the lounge, and I found out that both husband and wife were there for radiotherapy but for different cancers. But they were talking animatedly to the person on what food she should avoid when she starts her treatment. It made me think how adaptable we humans are generally as we pick ourselves up to face the day. The people I saw at the oncology centres were not patients but heroes with battle scars. The days I accompanied my MIL for her treatments, I will make sure I will read the two murals on the wall to strengthen my conviction that all will be well.  Although intimidating, those visits were definitely a humbling experience for me.

No photography is allowed so I took these secretly. Powerful messages

I am blessed to be married into this family. One of the main reasons I decided to marry Suren was his family. I loved the closeness they shared. Although not openly affectionate, they will be the first ones to offer help when a family member is down. I am doubly blessed as both sides; my FIL and my MIL’s sides are like that. This trait was once again prevalent during MIL’s treatment sessions. Her brothers and sister with their respective families rallied to ensure she has a strong support system. She was sent and picked up to and from her sessions, her meals were prepared, and she had the company too. Even close family friends supported her. For her good heart, she is blessed with so many people who love and care for her. Because of this, I suppose she could channel her energy to go through the sessions successfully. My sister-in-law and I often use this hashtag #blessedwiththebest because we simply are blessed with the best family and friends.

As her last session approached, I was inspired to get her something. She loves her grandchildren more than anything. Shiv, Diya, Anya, Ayrton and Dhyan are her precious jewels. So, Diya and Dhyan made her card and Diya made a Thank You card for the team who took care of her grandma on behalf of her brother and cousins. MIL chuckled when she saw the card. It was a very simple gesture, but we just wanted to let her know that we are so proud of her to have completed this arduous journey.

I always liked reading what was shared on the notice board so Diya made a card and hopefully it will find its way there.

As a token of gratitude for the staff, the family ordered some scrumptious breakfast for the team. My in laws love language is definitely ‘Act of Service’ and it is always through food.

I found myself agitated as I waited for her to complete her last session. I felt like a nervous mother waiting for her child after her first day of school. I felt that way partly because I didn’t have anything to read as I waited for her 15 minutes session to be over (I finished reading Michelle Obama’s ‘The Light We Carry’ during the 3 sessions I accompanied her) I grabbed a meditation magazine from the rack and flipped through the pages mindlessly. A believer that everything happens for a reason, I came across the below note that struck a chord within me. I am indeed privileged to be able to assist one of the most compassionate persons I know. Soon she was out, she changed out of the robe, and she said bye to all of them.

Although fatigued, she thanked them for all their help. She has mentioned how they had cheered her on in the room and applauded her for being brave. She was one of the oldest patients they had and always referred to her as a teacher and I am sure they will remember her for a long time as she is indeed a special person.

We walked slowly hand in hand towards the entrance as Suren went to take the car. I made a silent prayer that we do not need to make the same journey again. She said that she wanted to go to the temple in the city centre. I knew she wanted to express her gratitude and to tell God that she has done her best and hopes things will change to her favour.

We sat for a while, and I took this picture of her. Although she looked tired, she appeared as a Warrior Queen to me. I was so proud of her. Proud that she did what she needed to do without complaint. She never once wavered in her quest to complete this test God has put forth for her. I had to restrain from asking her questions; what she was thinking of, how does she feel and also to tell her that we are so proud of her, but I chose to keep quiet and I think she appreciated the silence.

My mother-in-law, My hero

She only reminded me that she wanted to go to that particular temple, Court Hill Sri Ganesar Temple. It clicked then the family had a prayer right before she started her treatment, and it was only right she sees ‘Him’ again after her treatment. Unfortunately, the temple was closed when we got there so we only could pray from the outside, but the Priest was nice to give her some flowers and a big Mango. Symbolically, we thought of it as a boon, and it made her happy. The rest of the journey back to Melaka was in silence but the feeling of triumph was thick in the air.

Lord Ganesha, the remover of obstacles

It has been more than a month since her treatment, and she has been recuperating at home. She is most comfortable being at her own domain with her eldest grand child for company. The side effects from the radiotherapy have drained her so these days she taking it slow to regain her strength. We still have people asking us how she got this rare kind of cancer when she does not have any other underlying medical conditions. We do not know the answer, but we are grateful that despite being 76, she was able to withstand the harshness of the treatments because she does not have any other medical complications. The family continues to pray for the best for this beloved family member and I hope when you read this, you will send a prayer for her too.

Me and MIL back in 2019. With battle scars now, but her steadfastness remains the same.

The past two months have been steeped with life lessons for me. Only God can take and give and there is always a reason for whatever happens in life. While my MIL was undergoing her treatments, in my mother's side, there was a wedding, an engagement and the birth of a baby; all celebratory moments. My feelings of happiness and forlorn were constantly on yo-yo mode plus with the demands of work and my young family. But God is great, through this painful experience, he has made me see what is most integral in one's life; family and love. And he has used my MIL as the vessel to impart these lessons. I am truly privileged to receive these life lessons from my other mother, my dearest MIL. She continues to show her wisdom through her quiet and indelible ways. She deserves the best and I believe she will.