My Other Mother

When my mother-in-law was diagnosed with Sino Nasal cancer a few months ago, the world literally stopped moving for a second. She is one of the kindest, most caring, and generous persons in the world who has also been a vegetarian for more than 30 years (which means she was on a healthy diet) so obviously I asked God ‘Why her?’

But God being the ultimate teacher showed me the reasons why he chose his special child to go through such a difficult and harrowing test.

When her son broke the news to her, it was on Deepavali day and obviously, she was shattered but she still chose to join us to go to the temple with the rest of the family. And I thought it was incredibly brave of her to do that when her own world has gone off its axis. As she prostrated on the bare cold floor at the temple, something she always does at the temple despite her age, I made a plea to God to give us the courage to go through this test with her.

The family after prayers in the temple for Deepavali

Prayer; the most powerful weapon against trials. The most effective medicine against sickness and the most valuable gift to someone you love.

My 76-year-old MIL had to undergo 35 cycles of radiotherapy and observe a strict diet. My close knit of in laws quickly formed a support network to manage her appointments and her after session care. After weighing all considerations and numerous discussions, it was decided that she was to stay with her brother for the week while the rest of the family takes turn to do the needful

This was her regimen for the past few months; most weeks she will have 5 days of sessions in the University Hospital. Which means she comes up to KL on Monday and stay on till Friday. After her session on Friday, she returns to Melaka to be treated with Integrative Medicine from Friday to Monday morning. It was grueling but she stuck to it like a true warrior.

As the sessions continued, the schedules became more punishing for her due to fatigue but she soldiered on, putting one foot in front of the other. Her goal was to beat this, and she was not letting anything to waver her focus.

Due to work commitment, I only managed to accompany her for 5 sessions. The first one was in the beginning, the next 3 towards the end of the cycle and one the final day.

I clearly remember my first session with her. I met her at the entrance, and we walked slowly together to the clinic, she led the way. We took the number and waited and when it was her turn, I followed her in where she needed to change before she goes into the radiotherapy room. She waved at me and stepped into the room. 15 minutes later, she came out and we left for Suren’s uncle’s place. She took a quick shower and had a simple meal. We chatted for a while then left. Later in the evening, we brought the kids over. Despite being tired, she played with them.

The rest of the sessions, Suren was with her so when I ask him how she was, he’d say she is Okay. Fast forward weeks later, I had the chance to accompany her again and this time there was a vast difference. She walked slower and she spoke less. She was anxious to see her number displayed on the screen. And she went into the room without waving. I knew she was tired but still not a word of complaint. She took over 2 hours to complete her lunch. Despite being tired, she made sure she ate most of it as she knew she needed the nutrients. It was painful to watch her take a spoonful and pat her chest to ensure the food goes down smoothly. We spoke for a bit but then realized the sooner she finishes her meal, the sooner she gets to rest.

Accompanying her was not a trouble but watching her and wondering what her thoughts are, overwhelmed me. I felt ill equipped to be part of the team of taking care of her. I had neither the medical experience nor enough empathy to care for her properly. This is the lady who took care of both her mother and husband diligently when they were not well. She was the pillar of support for them and the rest of the family. How do we react when the pillar itself is crumbling? It was mind boggling for myself and the only thing I could pray fervently for is for her to have the strength to carry on the full 35 sessions and for us to support her the best we can. There are days where she felt sore and achy, but she trudged on. Her perseverance amazed me. She shows up every single day weaker than the day before but more determined to finish the course. Her independence was admirable. She cared for herself and slept alone. Every morning, without fail, she will be at the dining table downstairs ready to be sent for her treatment.

Because of the type of cancer she has, it was visible on her face, and it changed her appearance drastically. Once she asked me if it looked bad and I said No. She paused for a while and said to me, ‘It doesn’t matter how I look; I just want to get better’ I choked and mumbled meekly ‘You will, aunty’

I never liked going to the hospital. I am sure many don’t but when my late father-in-law and grandmother in law were unwell, hospital visits were frequent so when I decided to accompany my MIL for her treatment, I thought the emotions I would experience would be the same, so I was somewhat prepared. But it was different altogether. There is an aisle that we need to walk through before we reach the radiotherapy centre. This is where you will see cancer patients sitting left and right with their family members waiting to get medications or to see the doctor. As we both walk hand in hand towards the end of the aisle, I will glance at the people sitting there. Most of them looking pale with glassy eyes while those who accompany them will be on the phone. My heart constricts every time I walk pass the aisle thinking that there are so many people who are unwell. Once, I overhead a couple talking to a first timer at the lounge, and I found out that both husband and wife were there for radiotherapy but for different cancers. But they were talking animatedly to the person on what food she should avoid when she starts her treatment. It made me think how adaptable we humans are generally as we pick ourselves up to face the day. The people I saw at the oncology centres were not patients but heroes with battle scars. The days I accompanied my MIL for her treatments, I will make sure I will read the two murals on the wall to strengthen my conviction that all will be well.  Although intimidating, those visits were definitely a humbling experience for me.

No photography is allowed so I took these secretly. Powerful messages

I am blessed to be married into this family. One of the main reasons I decided to marry Suren was his family. I loved the closeness they shared. Although not openly affectionate, they will be the first ones to offer help when a family member is down. I am doubly blessed as both sides; my FIL and my MIL’s sides are like that. This trait was once again prevalent during MIL’s treatment sessions. Her brothers and sister with their respective families rallied to ensure she has a strong support system. She was sent and picked up to and from her sessions, her meals were prepared, and she had the company too. Even close family friends supported her. For her good heart, she is blessed with so many people who love and care for her. Because of this, I suppose she could channel her energy to go through the sessions successfully. My sister-in-law and I often use this hashtag #blessedwiththebest because we simply are blessed with the best family and friends.

As her last session approached, I was inspired to get her something. She loves her grandchildren more than anything. Shiv, Diya, Anya, Ayrton and Dhyan are her precious jewels. So, Diya and Dhyan made her card and Diya made a Thank You card for the team who took care of her grandma on behalf of her brother and cousins. MIL chuckled when she saw the card. It was a very simple gesture, but we just wanted to let her know that we are so proud of her to have completed this arduous journey.

I always liked reading what was shared on the notice board so Diya made a card and hopefully it will find its way there.

As a token of gratitude for the staff, the family ordered some scrumptious breakfast for the team. My in laws love language is definitely ‘Act of Service’ and it is always through food.

I found myself agitated as I waited for her to complete her last session. I felt like a nervous mother waiting for her child after her first day of school. I felt that way partly because I didn’t have anything to read as I waited for her 15 minutes session to be over (I finished reading Michelle Obama’s ‘The Light We Carry’ during the 3 sessions I accompanied her) I grabbed a meditation magazine from the rack and flipped through the pages mindlessly. A believer that everything happens for a reason, I came across the below note that struck a chord within me. I am indeed privileged to be able to assist one of the most compassionate persons I know. Soon she was out, she changed out of the robe, and she said bye to all of them.

Although fatigued, she thanked them for all their help. She has mentioned how they had cheered her on in the room and applauded her for being brave. She was one of the oldest patients they had and always referred to her as a teacher and I am sure they will remember her for a long time as she is indeed a special person.

We walked slowly hand in hand towards the entrance as Suren went to take the car. I made a silent prayer that we do not need to make the same journey again. She said that she wanted to go to the temple in the city centre. I knew she wanted to express her gratitude and to tell God that she has done her best and hopes things will change to her favour.

We sat for a while, and I took this picture of her. Although she looked tired, she appeared as a Warrior Queen to me. I was so proud of her. Proud that she did what she needed to do without complaint. She never once wavered in her quest to complete this test God has put forth for her. I had to restrain from asking her questions; what she was thinking of, how does she feel and also to tell her that we are so proud of her, but I chose to keep quiet and I think she appreciated the silence.

My mother-in-law, My hero

She only reminded me that she wanted to go to that particular temple, Court Hill Sri Ganesar Temple. It clicked then the family had a prayer right before she started her treatment, and it was only right she sees ‘Him’ again after her treatment. Unfortunately, the temple was closed when we got there so we only could pray from the outside, but the Priest was nice to give her some flowers and a big Mango. Symbolically, we thought of it as a boon, and it made her happy. The rest of the journey back to Melaka was in silence but the feeling of triumph was thick in the air.

Lord Ganesha, the remover of obstacles

It has been more than a month since her treatment, and she has been recuperating at home. She is most comfortable being at her own domain with her eldest grand child for company. The side effects from the radiotherapy have drained her so these days she taking it slow to regain her strength. We still have people asking us how she got this rare kind of cancer when she does not have any other underlying medical conditions. We do not know the answer, but we are grateful that despite being 76, she was able to withstand the harshness of the treatments because she does not have any other medical complications. The family continues to pray for the best for this beloved family member and I hope when you read this, you will send a prayer for her too.

Me and MIL back in 2019. With battle scars now, but her steadfastness remains the same.

The past two months have been steeped with life lessons for me. Only God can take and give and there is always a reason for whatever happens in life. While my MIL was undergoing her treatments, in my mother's side, there was a wedding, an engagement and the birth of a baby; all celebratory moments. My feelings of happiness and forlorn were constantly on yo-yo mode plus with the demands of work and my young family. But God is great, through this painful experience, he has made me see what is most integral in one's life; family and love. And he has used my MIL as the vessel to impart these lessons. I am truly privileged to receive these life lessons from my other mother, my dearest MIL. She continues to show her wisdom through her quiet and indelible ways. She deserves the best and I believe she will.

 

Eulogy of a Great Woman

 Heamaashini Nadarajah Jason spent many hours interviewing her aunts and uncles as well as her cousins and other extended family members to collect stories a great woman she calls Paati. It is not easy to weave a story about someone who is so dear and loved by all by piecing together so many recollections and memories of her. This is her labour of love for her dear paati.

‘Shamu! Shamu!’ called Bibi, the Punjabi neighbour to No. 291, Kampong Basong, Kuala Kangsar. ‘Saya ada bawak surat anak dari London. Mana Appu? Suruh dia baca’. Appu dutifully took the letter and read aloud to his mother’s good friend. The ‘Kampong’ also housed two other good friends – Muthamma and Valli. Growing up, Shamu was always portrayed as a shy and quiet person but soon made fast friends with these wonderful women. They formed a lifelong friendship in the ‘Kampong’ and over the years their children became childhood friends. Shamu then became Shambu amma.

 Shamu or her full name Sampurnam was born on the 4^th November 1923 in Kuala Kangsar to Ramayee - Ayyasamy. They had 4 other children – Kuppusamy, Kasiammal, Krishnasamy and Chelliae. Her siblings always described her as a kind and patient sister. Ramayee being a forward - thinking person, placed all her three daughters at the convent school in Taiping where Sampurnam picked up the English language and crocheting. She was 10 then. Meanwhile, Ramayee had formed a friendship with Allamellu who was back from India bringing along her younger brother, Nadeson. Allamellu was very much taken to Sampurnam’s demeanour and proposed to her for her brother. In 1939, the 16-year-old quiet and shy Sampurnam got married to the 24-year-old handsome Nadeson. The wedding took place in Mr&Mrs Periathamby’s (Allamellu) home near the Kuala Kangsar railway station. Nadeson started off working in Grik but Sampurnam soon felt homesick so they moved into Allamellu’s home at No.290, Kampung Basong, Kuala Kangsar. Nadeson started working for his brother-in-law’s bus company as a bus conductor. They lived on at No. 290 until they moved to No.291 (Ramayee’s house) in 1950. Ramayee stayed on with the couple for a few years before she passed away.

A blurred picture of the newlyweds

Allamellu had 9 grown children of her own and because of the small age gap, instead of calling Sampurnam; Athey, they all referred to her as Akka. Over time they became a big yet close knit family. When Allamellu and Periathamby passed away, as the only living relative in the country, Nadeson and Sampurnam stayed connected and continued their duty as mama and attey.

Sampurnam's nieces and nephews

Sampurnam was a dutiful and respectful wife and although they lived through modest means, she managed the household cleverly using firewood and gas light. They were blessed with 9 healthy children; 3 boys and 6 girls – Avalli, Thambiyah, Mani, Baba, Appu, Lale, Mala, Ushah and Jayn. Sampurnam remained quiet in nature, sweet, patient and loving to each and every one of her children who had different yet distinctive traits. She cooked and cleaned all through her life and bustled about from the early hours through late nights without a sigh.

The longest lived-in daughter in law was Selvi, having spent 29 years with Sampurnam. They lived in harmony at No.291 as they got accustomed to each other and fell naturally into the dutiful task as wives to their loving husbands. Sampurnam always woke up at 6 a.m., bathed and mixed a pot of coffee before heading out to sweep the dry leaves off the porch. She would then pluck flowers and performed the morning prayers before starting to make breakfast. One of her famous recipes is the thengga paal appam that she made in a tiny wok. She grated her coconut using the wooden coconut grater. She also made very tasty surul appam. Sampurnam would then serve her husband breakfast. Both mother in law and daughter in law always sat and ate their meals together after the entire family has eaten. Her daily life involved reading the Malaysian Nanban and Makkal Osai, helping Selvi out at the kitchen, watching tamil serials such as Annamalai and Chitthi, folding clothes, evening prayers, reading the tamil magazines such as Thendral and Vaanam Badi before dozing off around 11 p.m. Sampurnam always served her husband for all the meals as he preferred it that way.

 Lord Vinayagar was her favourite deity therefore she always looked forward to attending the 10 day prayers at the Kuala Kangsar Vinagayar temple ubhayam and on the 10^th day, would patiently await until the chariot comes by at night. She was very much a homely person and never quite enjoyed going to her friends’ houses to catch up but they would rather come by and have a chit chat with her. Selvi remembers fondly that in that 29 years, she never had any arguments with her mother in law who was a gem of a person.

Sampurnam and Nadeson lived together with her son Appu and family for close to 30 years

All 6 daughters were blessed as their mother Sampurnam took care of them lovingly whenever they delivered their children. She had bathed all her grandchildren and cooked for her daughters during the confinement period. Despite being slender, she would expertly manoeuvre the ammi and thosai kalle to cook for her daughters. She was there to support them during their confinement period and helped to look after them and their babies. She was always obliging as she puts the others’ needs before hers.

Sampurnam with her 6 daughters. She took care of them, their babies and their grand babies too

Forever Amma's boys

Her six daughters would always credit Sampurnam for tasteful dishes such as afternoon tea snacks – the ‘gandum, pulut and green pea’ kanji. For Deepavali, she often made her famous chithhu urandai and chippi. Sampurnam sewed her daughters’ dresses when they were young. When her oldest daughter Avalli got married, Sampurnam stitched her wedding saree blouse. She also enjoyed cross stitches. Sampurnam only wears white saree blouses with all her sarees which was a smart move as she didn’t need to worry about matching them and she even had a gang of ladies who did the same.

 She was an animal lover and always fed the cats and dogs before she sat down to eat. She would nurse their wounds with turmeric. She was handy around the house as she made her own cement to cover holes on the floor. She played the knowledgeable medicine woman too. Whenever anyone had a headache instead of getting them to pop a pill, she would tie the napkin tightly around the forehead to stop the throbbing and soothe the restless with her calm voice. She has served and fed many children and adults alike selflessly. And was always ready to serve house guests and visitors. The time where nobody spoke of or to the people who helped to clean the sewage buckets early in the morning, Sampurnam can be seen serving them breakfast and coffee and talking to them. She truly believed in treating people equally.

 As the children got married, her role as a woman evolved as she became a mother in law. If one asked her sons in law and daughters in law about Sampurnam, the usual words would be she was kind, humble and soft spoken. She possessed the patience to bridge the few slight misunderstandings that naturally occur in a large family. Her daughters always confided in her as she was calm and grounded and was a great listener. She was also quite witty in her own way in handling day to day issues and shared tips and tricks with her daughters on how to deal with their respective spouses. The family grew to 27 grandchildren, 46 great grandchildren and 1 great great grandchild. In 1999, her third son Appu and his wife, Selvi, organised Nadeson and Sampurnam’s 60^th wedding anniversary. It was held with great festivity as the siblings, children, in laws, grandchildren, nieces, nephews and friends witnessed the re-enactment of their wedding with much grandeur.

Nadeson and Sampurnam's actual 60th wedding anniversary ceremony in 1999

Her oldest son in law - Kandasamy, a man who loves his own mother tenderly always made sure his wife called and visited her own mother fequently. He always made sure that both his mother and mother in law were treated equally with love and respect. When both Sampurnam and Nadeson came to Nibong Tebal to stay, the second son in law Raman took excellent care of both of them. He loved and respected them both very much and the respect was mutual as Raman was a dignified and a man of his words. His brother was the third son in law – Appu. Her third son in law always regarded her as the best mother in law.

Her fourth son in law Jeya always said she was quiet but pleasant and was always motherly. He is indebted to her for willing to travel over 600 km with Nadeson to care for his daughters when they were babies. His brother Indran was the fifth son in law and he loved Sampurnam very much. To him, she was always so humble and kind. The youngest son in law Bala always said he was blessed to have Sampurnam as his second mother.

Her birthday party with her children and spouses

In May 2004, the third daughter Lale lost her husband. Both Nadeson and Sampurnam were there to lend their moral support as she struggled through the tough time with her two young daughters. Tragedy then struck again in August 2010 when Nadeson passed away after a brief illness. She was only 87 but having spent a huge chunk of her life with her husband; 71 years of marriage, his death was a big blow. He was 95. She then had to get used to living without having him next to her but she soldiered on. As she was residing in Nibong Tebal, she formed deep relationships with her grandchildren and great grandchildren and it was a joy as one saw it as love, friendship and respect. From tending to her grandbabies, Sampurnam had the opportunity to tend to her great grandbabies as well. She even bathed them in the traditional way of sitting on a low stool, having the baby on her stretched out legs while bathing the baby.

Sampurnam lived with her daughter Mani and her late husband, Raman for more than 10 years. Here is next to her great grandaughter, Nirashinni who has given her a great great grandaughter, Shivanny

Having spent her life busily tending to her growing family, Sampurnam finally had the chance to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. She was taken to the cinema to watch Katthi, went to Batu Ferringhi beach, stayed in a hotel and enjoyed her first hotel breakfast. She even experienced her first pedicure. She was a good sport and nothing fazed her although life whizzed by quickly. Despite her age, Sampurnam was a liberal thinking woman because when some of her grandchildren wanted to marry non-Hindus, she had no objections but advised them to ensure the person is good, responsible and takes care of the future spouse because that is all that mattered.

 She never shied away from spending time with each of her family members in ways that always made them feel special. She was motherly and was present in each and everyone’s lives. In 2012, her second son in law Raman passed away suddenly.  Both mother and daughter became closer as they found solace in each other to fill the absence of their respective loving spouses.

Despite some bleakness, life went on for Sampurnam punctuated with happy events such as weddings and births. However, she lost both her sons consecutively; Baba in 2018 and Thambiyah in 2019. Their passing took a toll on her as she never once thought she would outlive any of her children. She often said no matter the age, when your child dies, your heart breaks. No mother should ever go through this phase in their life. She relived memories of them by talking often about them and her life in Kuala Kangsar.

In December 2019, her eldest son in law passed away. Unable to travel long distance, Sampurnam felt bad that she could not be with her daughter but kept tabs on her through her other daughters. She was low in spirits so a few months later, her youngest daughter Jayn took her on a road trip along with her other two sisters; Mani and Lale back to Kuala Kangsar to cheer her up. The journey was video recorded and it was a jolly ride. They went down memory lane as they visited No. 291, and Valli’s children together with her brother’s family at Kenas Road.

Sampurnam had a special bond with each and every one of her children as they were very different from one another. Her eldest daughter – Avalli – was very much like a close friend as Sampurnam was only 18 when she had her. Thambiyah was her pillar of strength and even though he had migrated to Australia in the 70’s, he made a point to visit her annually up till 2017. Baba the charming son was always the one with a great sense of humour and generous with his hugs. Mani her second daughter was her confidante as they stayed together. Lale was the strict and honest daughter but loved her family fiercely and like her mother, she tended to the unwell selfessly. Appu was her youngest son and the closest to his mother. He lived with her after getting married and so did his children. Unlike her other daughters, Mala was spared from doing any household chores as she was always busy beautifying herself. She was also the one who always bought her trinkets. Usha was the shy and clingy daughter. Whenever there were sleepovers at No. 290, she would be scared of the dark and sounds of the night and always ended up going back to her mother in the middle of the night. She took her mother to all her hospital appointments. The youngest, Jayn was the sporting and hype daughter who took her out in car rides, told her jokes and took selfies and videos. Sampurnam always advised her children to be patient and tolerant and that caring for people should be of utmost importance. Remembering her advice, her children took good care of her during her last days.

As in any big family, events occur rather frequently and Sampurnam always made sure she would participate in them. From being there when any of her grandchildren were born to 16-day prayers, baby naming ceremony, ear piercing, head balding, coming of age ceremony, engagements, civil registrations, nallangu, muhurtha kaal to kalyanam and not forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, wedding receptions and even funerals she was present, lending her positive aura. She has gone to Penang, Perak, Selangor, Melaka, Kedah, Terengganu, Kelantan and even to Perth,Australia.

She always tried her best to participate in family functions

Sampurnam will remain sorely missed by her children, sons in law, daughters in law, nieces, nephews, grandchildren, grandchildren in law, great grandchildren, great grandchildren in law, great great grandchild and family friends for a very long time.

Her needs were very simple as she took interest in her children and grandchildren’s lives, always enquiring and giving advice when asked. Her personality was grounded, warm and motherly. The lessons she taught us and the values she stands for as she lived based on love, compassion, empathy, trust and respect. We have said our goodbyes but her values remain in our daily lives. She now lives in our hearts with warm and beautiful memories.

Sampurnam Ayya Samy

4.11.1923 - 1.9.2020

Sampurnam has many titles; wife, Amma, Aunty, Atte, Paati, Pooti and Kollu Paati and she embraced these titles proudly. We are so blessed, grateful and proud to have her in our lives.

She lived a full and complete life in its entirety. Just like her name; Sampurnam.

 

Curated & Written by Heamaashini Nadarajah Jason

Heamaashini fondly known as Hemy is Sampurnam's 18th grandchild

Our very own Frontliner Hero

When a cousin, Dr. Yasothini Arunachalam volunteered to be a frontliner, many of us had mixed feelings. We were proud of her but we were also worried about her safety. So when she returned home after the stipulated quarantine time, I seized the opportunity to find out from her about how was it like being in the defence team against the incredibly tiny yet destructive virus.

1. What was your reaction when you learned about the pandemic and its severity?

I was following the news closely and felt alarmed at the rising numbers and was quite worried about it.

2. What thoughts played on your mind when you volunteered as a frontliner?

I knew right away that I wanted to help because I have the skills to do so. Plus the clinic I worked at was closed so I was free. When I received an e-mail from CPRC asking for volunteers, I had a discussion with my husband and kids and they supported my decision to sign up as a frontliner. I did have some concerns as I have diabetes therefore I am a high risk but I was confident that I would be fully protected when executing my duties.

3. Did you face any form of resistance and discouragement from your extended family or friends? How did you manage that?

When tsunami struck in 2004, I wanted to join Mercy Malaysia but my children were very young and husband was working full time so I couldn’t volunteer therefore when this opportunity came, they gave the green light. My husband and kids reluctantly said that they would manage as they were older now and my husband was working from home. Even my mum said she was waiting for me to volunteer and cheekily added that she wanted to join me. Of course, I said no (laughs)

There were no outright discouragement from others and those who voiced their concerns about my safety only offered to include me in their prayers. I am blessed for the support and love everyone gave.

4. What was your day like during your voluntary days?

So three days after I filled up the form, I received the call to attend a briefing session at the National Institute of Health (NIH) in Setia Alam. By then, I had moved into my apartment. Every day I would drive to the Lembah Pantai  Health Office(PKLP), park my car there, attend the briefing, review the cases for the day followed by the daily plan before we are assigned to teams. Then we board the van to head to our zone. We are divided into 5 different tiers from registration, taking samples from the patients until the specimen is labelled to be sent to the lab. Each tier has specific tasks. My job involved screening the Sri Petaling tabligh cluster as well as the residents at Menara City One condominium, Selangor Mansion and Malayan Mansion.

5. What were your feelings when you were out there being a frontliner?

We were assigned to one of the Red Zones in KL which is the Masjid India area. Our team comprised of medical officers, nurses, health inspectors and medical assistants. And we worked hard for at least 5 hours non-stop. Honestly, we were too busy with work to feel fear of getting the virus but one can feel extremely agitated when wearing  the PPE with masks on. You would have to put it on for at least 2 hours and maximum up to 4 hours. You would not drink water or go to the toilet because you would not want to compromise your safety by removing the mask even for a few seconds to take a sip of water. So the unbearable heat and dehydration can really bear you down.

6. Did you ever have the fear that you would contract the virus when you were treating the patients?

On my first attempt of taking a swab from my patient, he vomited all over me. I panicked for a bit because this was my very first patient but I quickly got myself cleaned thoroughly immediately. So the worry was in the back of my mind but that patient was tested negative later on and that was a relief. He was extremely apologetic, poor guy.

Dr.Yasothini in her full gear

7. Did you face any uncooperative patients while you were carrying out your duties?

The patients (mostly migrant workers) understood the importance of being screened so they were very cooperative.  We had a little bit of communication problem (of which nothing simple sign language could solve)

8. What did you do manage the loneliness during your quarantine?

After the voluntary stint, I had to quarantine myself for two weeks. I took the opportunity to learn how to play the keyboard, I read a lot and visited my family (from afar) once a week. And to stay fit, I used the stairs up to 10 flights and gradually increased it to 30 flights before the quarantine ended. I lived on the 36th floor. Zoom calls with family and friends kept me company too. I did miss my bed though (apart from my family, of course)

9. Was the experience being a frontliner as what you had imagined?

Yes. I loved the adrenaline rush and to be able to do something for the country in this unprecedented times. I had chats with my friends in the public health sector who gave me some ideas of what to expect so I was mentally prepared. And I was so proud to see our team grow from 30 to 90 frontliners before my stint ended

10. What learnings have you acquired from this experience?

This virus has taught us that one can never take life for granted.  And it’s amazing to see how people of all walks of life come together to fight this virus without seeing race or hierarchy.

Although it is a catastrophe, it has also revealed the side of humans where we can be united when need be. Very similar to families, when needed we put our differences aside and come together.

11. What are your opinions about how Malaysia has done to combat this pandemic as compared to other countries?

I must say that the Public Health sector has done a fantastic job in taking the preliminary actions earlier on so we could manage the pandemic. As you know many countries out there are crippled by their overwhelmed and exhausted medical fraternity. I am convinced we have taken the right steps to keep it under control.

12. What is the one thing you believe would help to keep the pandemic at bay here in Malaysia?

To strictly adhere to the guidelines provided and rules set by the Health Ministry as well as the National Security Council. It will take some time before life gets back to how it used to be.

How to help your depressed friend or family

The recent suicides due to depression by Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain brought a flood of posts on social media on mental health awareness. Some friends even shared their own stories and it struck me what a conniving disease this is because depression has no specific characteristics. Both Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain did not exhibit any tell-tale signs prior to their suicide. They apparently appeared normal so this got me thinking, how does one tell if the other is having depression if you are not informed. The answer is YOU CAN’T! And that freaks me out.

I was thinking hard on how to help those who are depressed or think that they are depressed and I have come up with a list of suggestions which are no way fool proof so feel free to comment.

1. Listen, listen, listen

When someone opens up to you about the problems they are facing, always be present and listen them out first. Do not even attempt to formulate your ‘Dear Thelma’ replies. Just listen with an open heart. Don’t form judgement in your head and heart when they are pouring out to you. Most of the time, they just want someone to vent their frustration to.

2. Be empathetic

People who are depressed have issues that bog them down; issues you think are insignificant but are VERY significant to them. Your friend might say that she hates her skin because of the huge acne problem but you think it is not a biggie. Instead of saying ‘Seriously?!’ say phrases like ‘Oh dear’, ‘Poor you’ ‘I hope it goes away soon’ etc. Okay, you may think you are molly coddling them but it actually makes them feel better because it shows you are putting yourself in their shoes which being empathetic is all about. And of course when you are saying all that, mean it!

3. Be Kind

A depressed person has their mind wrapped in a fog when they are feeling down. They might be aware of the solutions to their problems but they are unable to act upon it. Never ever say ‘Snap out of it’ because they simply can’t and it is a very unkind thing to say. Instead, you can learn to phrase your feedback constructively. For example, a friend is complaining she is fat and unfit. You know she hates to exercise. Instead of telling her to do it (of which she is aware of) you can suggest simple things like going for walks with her or send links to some easy exercises that you had done and she can do too. Subtle messages and actions yield greater results.

4. Always check on them

If you realise that they have been quiet in your common WhatsApp group(s), instead of presuming what had happened, just send a message to check on them. A simple 'Hello' or 'Whats Up' would suffice. It shows that we care and we should because we are friends for a reason in the first place.

5. Be aware of their activities

If you are hooked on the social media like me, take the extra effort to be vigilant on their posts instead of blindly ‘Liking’ or ‘Sharing’. This is where use ‘Social Media responsibly’ takes effect. I read somewhere that Facebook has instilled some sort of detector that detects words such as depression and suicides in its bid to help the community. So instead of using robot to do it, let’s be more caring towards the people who mean to us by looking out for them. If their posts appear melancholic such as ‘the time is dragging by and I can’t seem to get off my bed’ or ‘I wish I wasn’t born’ etc, check on them right away, don’t dally. A friend of mine mentioned that her schoolmate was trying to reach out to her and the others, often asking them to meet up but everyone was too busy for her. She ended up committing suicide due to depression. Till today, my friend regrets not heeding the warning that was right in front of her.

I understand everyone has their own lives and we are so swamped with our own problems. But nothing beats being there for your family and friends. Time spent with them will never come back so be kind and be present. Just do your best.

Image from Google

Malaysian Fiesta: Eat your way to Charity

Federation of Malaysian Sri Lankan Organisations (FOMSO) is starting the year with a bang by organizing a much awaited carnival filled with much fun and grandeur to raise funds to support their endeavours that are to create welfare, cultural, social & education programmes for the community and society, both Nationally and Internationally.

Aptly called the Malaysian Fiesta, the fun filled carnival will take place on February 4, 2018 from 9am to 7pm at the Malaysian Ceylonese National Community Centre (MCNCC) in Petaling Jaya. The objective of the carnival is to celebrate the unity and togetherness among FOMSO affiliates, the community and all Malaysians at large. The Ceylonese community has been in Malaysia for more than 150 years and unity in diversity is a strong value they believe in. In short, this carnival will be all about celebrating unity for charity amidst food galore infused with fun elements.

A perfect way to spend the precious time with your loved ones on a Sunday while you are treated to the Malaysian gastronomic delights and getting entertained by melodious music. Bring out the inner child and fun in you while you try a hand at the various interactive games that are lined up to showcase the competitive side of you such as the Bingo, Darts, Caroms, Loop The Bottle, Hit The Tins, Fishing, Helium Balloons For Sale, Tele Match, Kicking The Ball, Lighting The Candle and Beer Pong. To cater to the millennial’s idea of interactive games, Virtual Reality games will also be part of the carnival.

If you are feeling particularly lucky, you may also stand a chance to win a pool of prize worth RM 5000 when you join the lucky draw. You may be the person to win the coveted 2 Day 1 Night stay at Glory Beach Resort, Port Dickson.

Look forward to the perfect Sunday with your loved ones by first clearing your schedule on February 4, 2018 and next contacting the following personnel for your coupons or if you wish to forward sponsorship in cash and kind as well as if you have further inquiries:

Mr.Suren: 017 505 0692, Mdm. Sarojini: 017 264 3075 or Mr.Logarajah: 012 609 3006

Your presence and participation at the Malaysian Fiesta will contribute to the noble causes FOMSO has lined up for the year. Be there to make a difference.

See you at the Malaysian Fiesta!

Stay tuned to updates by liking our Facebook page: @fomso.org

Ashes

My father in law has been gone for a year. I thought it would be nice to share what my husband wrote in his memorial book, a tribute to a man whom he considers as his hero.

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As I stood waiting with Shanthan and the rest of my family members to collect Appa’s ashes the next day we had cremated him, memories of my last conversation with him came flooding my mind against my will.

At 12.20pm on Thursday, I received a call from the nurses’ station in HDU informing me that they were going to transfer Appa to ICU. I rushed in with Uncle Visvan and when I saw Appa, my heart sank. He didn’t look good at all. I asked him how he was feeling and he shook his head.  I turned to ask the nurses some questions and I saw Uncle Visvan stroking his hair. I glanced at the monitor and his vital signs looked below normal. I asked him again, ‘Appa, how are you feeling?’ to which he replied softly while looking at me directly ‘I don’t feel good at all’. Seconds later, his face turned red, he let out a loud yawn and passed out.

I froze as though my blood chilled me from the inside and I remember thinking that my Appa is gone. I just stood there for a moment unable to react or even help him and was feeling absolutely useless. The doctors and nurses rushed to him and immediately gave him a cardiac massage. Uncle Visvan pulled me aside and I remembered a staff nurse telling me to call the rest of the family members who were waiting at the lounge to go to the meeting room so the doctor could speak to them.

I walked to them in trance and told them where to wait. In the background, I could hear Shamala and Amma crying while in my head I kept pleading, ‘Appa, please don’t go, not yet’. Minutes later, which felt like the longest moment of my life, the nurse called me back to the room and the doctors explained that Appa was intubated and had to be rushed to the ICU. I looked over at Appa, his eyes were closed and I thought again, ‘Will I ever speak to him again? I need to tell him that I love him or at least something more.

My feelings were on a roller coaster ride for the next 24 hours. The family support was in full force. Although I was talking to them and responding to the thousands of messages and phone calls, the last look Appa gave me kept playing in my mind over and over again. I went home to take a quick shower and when I looked at my child, I felt a profound sadness that Appa would not be able to spend more time with her as he did with Shivaran. 

I did say that I loved him at the CCU and always will and promised to take care of Amma and also strive to make him proud. I told him to forgive me for all my wrong doings and I kept on talking to him just to keep the awful memory of how he last looked at me at bay. My heart was breaking into a million pieces. Although I am now a family man myself, I still needed my Appa and I wasn’t prepared to let him go. Appa has done so much for me and one last thing he did was he didn’t make me the  person to inform my family that he was no longer with us and managed to stay on for another day so everyone could say their goodbyes.

The next few days passed by in blur and with so much of sadness. I was so lost. I just went through the motion of doing what was supposed to be done until the day we collected his ashes. I didn’t know how to comfort Amma who took care of dad like no one else could ever do as he was her world and of course he took very good care of her as well.

I insisted on driving. I wanted to drive Appa for one last time. Shanthan held the urn containing what’s left of Appa and I drove the ‘three’ of us towards the seaside to conclude the ceremony. While one hand was at the wheel, I touched the urn with the other. I know Shanthan was far away with his thoughts. Memories of car rides with Appa came to me as well as the tears. I played his favourite song on the radio, the one I remember him drumming his fingers to its tune. Without us knowing, we were approaching towards Klebang and memories of our younger days flashed through  my mind. Then came” Taman Muhibah” the place we lived most of our lives together. Shanthan and I thought we should drive him home for one last time. The car cruised silently into the lane leading to our house and the grim realization hit me. Appa is no longer with us.

At the beach, I saw Shamala breaking down at the sight of the urn and we three huddled around Appa for the last time. The mighty man we call Appa has been reduced to ashes and it broke our hearts to do the rightful thing a Hindu should do, to release ‘him’ into the water. For a while, time stood still, happy memories of my childhood and visions of Appa smiling happily at me sprang to mind. I know he will always be right next to me and nagging me as he usually does.

I can never ask for a better person than Appa. He was everything for me like how he was for Shamala and Shanthan and also his lovely wife. He treated each of his children equally yet differently. He understood I was not book smart like Shanthan and Shamala as he cultivated my strengths in being street smart. He knew I was keen on sports and encouraged me to pursue it instead of pressuring me to be a Profesional. Never once he compared my achievements with my siblings and for that I am eternally grateful as he allowed me to grow into the person I am with his and Amma’s love,support and understanding.

My wish now is to be the kind of Appa he was to me, to my daughter and if I can be a fraction of what he was, I would count myself as successful.

Thank you Appa for loving me and I will always love you.

Your Son,

Suren

 The little memorial corner at our house