We are grateful

 

My Other Mother

When my mother-in-law was diagnosed with Sino Nasal cancer a few months ago, the world literally stopped moving for a second. She is one of the kindest, most caring, and generous persons in the world who has also been a vegetarian for more than 30 years (which means she was on a healthy diet) so obviously I asked God ‘Why her?’

But God being the ultimate teacher showed me the reasons why he chose his special child to go through such a difficult and harrowing test.

When her son broke the news to her, it was on Deepavali day and obviously, she was shattered but she still chose to join us to go to the temple with the rest of the family. And I thought it was incredibly brave of her to do that when her own world has gone off its axis. As she prostrated on the bare cold floor at the temple, something she always does at the temple despite her age, I made a plea to God to give us the courage to go through this test with her.

The family after prayers in the temple for Deepavali

Prayer; the most powerful weapon against trials. The most effective medicine against sickness and the most valuable gift to someone you love.

My 76-year-old MIL had to undergo 35 cycles of radiotherapy and observe a strict diet. My close knit of in laws quickly formed a support network to manage her appointments and her after session care. After weighing all considerations and numerous discussions, it was decided that she was to stay with her brother for the week while the rest of the family takes turn to do the needful

This was her regimen for the past few months; most weeks she will have 5 days of sessions in the University Hospital. Which means she comes up to KL on Monday and stay on till Friday. After her session on Friday, she returns to Melaka to be treated with Integrative Medicine from Friday to Monday morning. It was grueling but she stuck to it like a true warrior.

As the sessions continued, the schedules became more punishing for her due to fatigue but she soldiered on, putting one foot in front of the other. Her goal was to beat this, and she was not letting anything to waver her focus.

Due to work commitment, I only managed to accompany her for 5 sessions. The first one was in the beginning, the next 3 towards the end of the cycle and one the final day.

I clearly remember my first session with her. I met her at the entrance, and we walked slowly together to the clinic, she led the way. We took the number and waited and when it was her turn, I followed her in where she needed to change before she goes into the radiotherapy room. She waved at me and stepped into the room. 15 minutes later, she came out and we left for Suren’s uncle’s place. She took a quick shower and had a simple meal. We chatted for a while then left. Later in the evening, we brought the kids over. Despite being tired, she played with them.

The rest of the sessions, Suren was with her so when I ask him how she was, he’d say she is Okay. Fast forward weeks later, I had the chance to accompany her again and this time there was a vast difference. She walked slower and she spoke less. She was anxious to see her number displayed on the screen. And she went into the room without waving. I knew she was tired but still not a word of complaint. She took over 2 hours to complete her lunch. Despite being tired, she made sure she ate most of it as she knew she needed the nutrients. It was painful to watch her take a spoonful and pat her chest to ensure the food goes down smoothly. We spoke for a bit but then realized the sooner she finishes her meal, the sooner she gets to rest.

Accompanying her was not a trouble but watching her and wondering what her thoughts are, overwhelmed me. I felt ill equipped to be part of the team of taking care of her. I had neither the medical experience nor enough empathy to care for her properly. This is the lady who took care of both her mother and husband diligently when they were not well. She was the pillar of support for them and the rest of the family. How do we react when the pillar itself is crumbling? It was mind boggling for myself and the only thing I could pray fervently for is for her to have the strength to carry on the full 35 sessions and for us to support her the best we can. There are days where she felt sore and achy, but she trudged on. Her perseverance amazed me. She shows up every single day weaker than the day before but more determined to finish the course. Her independence was admirable. She cared for herself and slept alone. Every morning, without fail, she will be at the dining table downstairs ready to be sent for her treatment.

Because of the type of cancer she has, it was visible on her face, and it changed her appearance drastically. Once she asked me if it looked bad and I said No. She paused for a while and said to me, ‘It doesn’t matter how I look; I just want to get better’ I choked and mumbled meekly ‘You will, aunty’

I never liked going to the hospital. I am sure many don’t but when my late father-in-law and grandmother in law were unwell, hospital visits were frequent so when I decided to accompany my MIL for her treatment, I thought the emotions I would experience would be the same, so I was somewhat prepared. But it was different altogether. There is an aisle that we need to walk through before we reach the radiotherapy centre. This is where you will see cancer patients sitting left and right with their family members waiting to get medications or to see the doctor. As we both walk hand in hand towards the end of the aisle, I will glance at the people sitting there. Most of them looking pale with glassy eyes while those who accompany them will be on the phone. My heart constricts every time I walk pass the aisle thinking that there are so many people who are unwell. Once, I overhead a couple talking to a first timer at the lounge, and I found out that both husband and wife were there for radiotherapy but for different cancers. But they were talking animatedly to the person on what food she should avoid when she starts her treatment. It made me think how adaptable we humans are generally as we pick ourselves up to face the day. The people I saw at the oncology centres were not patients but heroes with battle scars. The days I accompanied my MIL for her treatments, I will make sure I will read the two murals on the wall to strengthen my conviction that all will be well.  Although intimidating, those visits were definitely a humbling experience for me.

No photography is allowed so I took these secretly. Powerful messages

I am blessed to be married into this family. One of the main reasons I decided to marry Suren was his family. I loved the closeness they shared. Although not openly affectionate, they will be the first ones to offer help when a family member is down. I am doubly blessed as both sides; my FIL and my MIL’s sides are like that. This trait was once again prevalent during MIL’s treatment sessions. Her brothers and sister with their respective families rallied to ensure she has a strong support system. She was sent and picked up to and from her sessions, her meals were prepared, and she had the company too. Even close family friends supported her. For her good heart, she is blessed with so many people who love and care for her. Because of this, I suppose she could channel her energy to go through the sessions successfully. My sister-in-law and I often use this hashtag #blessedwiththebest because we simply are blessed with the best family and friends.

As her last session approached, I was inspired to get her something. She loves her grandchildren more than anything. Shiv, Diya, Anya, Ayrton and Dhyan are her precious jewels. So, Diya and Dhyan made her card and Diya made a Thank You card for the team who took care of her grandma on behalf of her brother and cousins. MIL chuckled when she saw the card. It was a very simple gesture, but we just wanted to let her know that we are so proud of her to have completed this arduous journey.

I always liked reading what was shared on the notice board so Diya made a card and hopefully it will find its way there.

As a token of gratitude for the staff, the family ordered some scrumptious breakfast for the team. My in laws love language is definitely ‘Act of Service’ and it is always through food.

I found myself agitated as I waited for her to complete her last session. I felt like a nervous mother waiting for her child after her first day of school. I felt that way partly because I didn’t have anything to read as I waited for her 15 minutes session to be over (I finished reading Michelle Obama’s ‘The Light We Carry’ during the 3 sessions I accompanied her) I grabbed a meditation magazine from the rack and flipped through the pages mindlessly. A believer that everything happens for a reason, I came across the below note that struck a chord within me. I am indeed privileged to be able to assist one of the most compassionate persons I know. Soon she was out, she changed out of the robe, and she said bye to all of them.

Although fatigued, she thanked them for all their help. She has mentioned how they had cheered her on in the room and applauded her for being brave. She was one of the oldest patients they had and always referred to her as a teacher and I am sure they will remember her for a long time as she is indeed a special person.

We walked slowly hand in hand towards the entrance as Suren went to take the car. I made a silent prayer that we do not need to make the same journey again. She said that she wanted to go to the temple in the city centre. I knew she wanted to express her gratitude and to tell God that she has done her best and hopes things will change to her favour.

We sat for a while, and I took this picture of her. Although she looked tired, she appeared as a Warrior Queen to me. I was so proud of her. Proud that she did what she needed to do without complaint. She never once wavered in her quest to complete this test God has put forth for her. I had to restrain from asking her questions; what she was thinking of, how does she feel and also to tell her that we are so proud of her, but I chose to keep quiet and I think she appreciated the silence.

My mother-in-law, My hero

She only reminded me that she wanted to go to that particular temple, Court Hill Sri Ganesar Temple. It clicked then the family had a prayer right before she started her treatment, and it was only right she sees ‘Him’ again after her treatment. Unfortunately, the temple was closed when we got there so we only could pray from the outside, but the Priest was nice to give her some flowers and a big Mango. Symbolically, we thought of it as a boon, and it made her happy. The rest of the journey back to Melaka was in silence but the feeling of triumph was thick in the air.

Lord Ganesha, the remover of obstacles

It has been more than a month since her treatment, and she has been recuperating at home. She is most comfortable being at her own domain with her eldest grand child for company. The side effects from the radiotherapy have drained her so these days she taking it slow to regain her strength. We still have people asking us how she got this rare kind of cancer when she does not have any other underlying medical conditions. We do not know the answer, but we are grateful that despite being 76, she was able to withstand the harshness of the treatments because she does not have any other medical complications. The family continues to pray for the best for this beloved family member and I hope when you read this, you will send a prayer for her too.

Me and MIL back in 2019. With battle scars now, but her steadfastness remains the same.

The past two months have been steeped with life lessons for me. Only God can take and give and there is always a reason for whatever happens in life. While my MIL was undergoing her treatments, in my mother's side, there was a wedding, an engagement and the birth of a baby; all celebratory moments. My feelings of happiness and forlorn were constantly on yo-yo mode plus with the demands of work and my young family. But God is great, through this painful experience, he has made me see what is most integral in one's life; family and love. And he has used my MIL as the vessel to impart these lessons. I am truly privileged to receive these life lessons from my other mother, my dearest MIL. She continues to show her wisdom through her quiet and indelible ways. She deserves the best and I believe she will.

 

Eulogy of a Great Woman

 Heamaashini Nadarajah Jason spent many hours interviewing her aunts and uncles as well as her cousins and other extended family members to collect stories a great woman she calls Paati. It is not easy to weave a story about someone who is so dear and loved by all by piecing together so many recollections and memories of her. This is her labour of love for her dear paati.

‘Shamu! Shamu!’ called Bibi, the Punjabi neighbour to No. 291, Kampong Basong, Kuala Kangsar. ‘Saya ada bawak surat anak dari London. Mana Appu? Suruh dia baca’. Appu dutifully took the letter and read aloud to his mother’s good friend. The ‘Kampong’ also housed two other good friends – Muthamma and Valli. Growing up, Shamu was always portrayed as a shy and quiet person but soon made fast friends with these wonderful women. They formed a lifelong friendship in the ‘Kampong’ and over the years their children became childhood friends. Shamu then became Shambu amma.

 Shamu or her full name Sampurnam was born on the 4^th November 1923 in Kuala Kangsar to Ramayee - Ayyasamy. They had 4 other children – Kuppusamy, Kasiammal, Krishnasamy and Chelliae. Her siblings always described her as a kind and patient sister. Ramayee being a forward - thinking person, placed all her three daughters at the convent school in Taiping where Sampurnam picked up the English language and crocheting. She was 10 then. Meanwhile, Ramayee had formed a friendship with Allamellu who was back from India bringing along her younger brother, Nadeson. Allamellu was very much taken to Sampurnam’s demeanour and proposed to her for her brother. In 1939, the 16-year-old quiet and shy Sampurnam got married to the 24-year-old handsome Nadeson. The wedding took place in Mr&Mrs Periathamby’s (Allamellu) home near the Kuala Kangsar railway station. Nadeson started off working in Grik but Sampurnam soon felt homesick so they moved into Allamellu’s home at No.290, Kampung Basong, Kuala Kangsar. Nadeson started working for his brother-in-law’s bus company as a bus conductor. They lived on at No. 290 until they moved to No.291 (Ramayee’s house) in 1950. Ramayee stayed on with the couple for a few years before she passed away.

A blurred picture of the newlyweds

Allamellu had 9 grown children of her own and because of the small age gap, instead of calling Sampurnam; Athey, they all referred to her as Akka. Over time they became a big yet close knit family. When Allamellu and Periathamby passed away, as the only living relative in the country, Nadeson and Sampurnam stayed connected and continued their duty as mama and attey.

Sampurnam's nieces and nephews

Sampurnam was a dutiful and respectful wife and although they lived through modest means, she managed the household cleverly using firewood and gas light. They were blessed with 9 healthy children; 3 boys and 6 girls – Avalli, Thambiyah, Mani, Baba, Appu, Lale, Mala, Ushah and Jayn. Sampurnam remained quiet in nature, sweet, patient and loving to each and every one of her children who had different yet distinctive traits. She cooked and cleaned all through her life and bustled about from the early hours through late nights without a sigh.

The longest lived-in daughter in law was Selvi, having spent 29 years with Sampurnam. They lived in harmony at No.291 as they got accustomed to each other and fell naturally into the dutiful task as wives to their loving husbands. Sampurnam always woke up at 6 a.m., bathed and mixed a pot of coffee before heading out to sweep the dry leaves off the porch. She would then pluck flowers and performed the morning prayers before starting to make breakfast. One of her famous recipes is the thengga paal appam that she made in a tiny wok. She grated her coconut using the wooden coconut grater. She also made very tasty surul appam. Sampurnam would then serve her husband breakfast. Both mother in law and daughter in law always sat and ate their meals together after the entire family has eaten. Her daily life involved reading the Malaysian Nanban and Makkal Osai, helping Selvi out at the kitchen, watching tamil serials such as Annamalai and Chitthi, folding clothes, evening prayers, reading the tamil magazines such as Thendral and Vaanam Badi before dozing off around 11 p.m. Sampurnam always served her husband for all the meals as he preferred it that way.

 Lord Vinayagar was her favourite deity therefore she always looked forward to attending the 10 day prayers at the Kuala Kangsar Vinagayar temple ubhayam and on the 10^th day, would patiently await until the chariot comes by at night. She was very much a homely person and never quite enjoyed going to her friends’ houses to catch up but they would rather come by and have a chit chat with her. Selvi remembers fondly that in that 29 years, she never had any arguments with her mother in law who was a gem of a person.

Sampurnam and Nadeson lived together with her son Appu and family for close to 30 years

All 6 daughters were blessed as their mother Sampurnam took care of them lovingly whenever they delivered their children. She had bathed all her grandchildren and cooked for her daughters during the confinement period. Despite being slender, she would expertly manoeuvre the ammi and thosai kalle to cook for her daughters. She was there to support them during their confinement period and helped to look after them and their babies. She was always obliging as she puts the others’ needs before hers.

Sampurnam with her 6 daughters. She took care of them, their babies and their grand babies too

Forever Amma's boys

Her six daughters would always credit Sampurnam for tasteful dishes such as afternoon tea snacks – the ‘gandum, pulut and green pea’ kanji. For Deepavali, she often made her famous chithhu urandai and chippi. Sampurnam sewed her daughters’ dresses when they were young. When her oldest daughter Avalli got married, Sampurnam stitched her wedding saree blouse. She also enjoyed cross stitches. Sampurnam only wears white saree blouses with all her sarees which was a smart move as she didn’t need to worry about matching them and she even had a gang of ladies who did the same.

 She was an animal lover and always fed the cats and dogs before she sat down to eat. She would nurse their wounds with turmeric. She was handy around the house as she made her own cement to cover holes on the floor. She played the knowledgeable medicine woman too. Whenever anyone had a headache instead of getting them to pop a pill, she would tie the napkin tightly around the forehead to stop the throbbing and soothe the restless with her calm voice. She has served and fed many children and adults alike selflessly. And was always ready to serve house guests and visitors. The time where nobody spoke of or to the people who helped to clean the sewage buckets early in the morning, Sampurnam can be seen serving them breakfast and coffee and talking to them. She truly believed in treating people equally.

 As the children got married, her role as a woman evolved as she became a mother in law. If one asked her sons in law and daughters in law about Sampurnam, the usual words would be she was kind, humble and soft spoken. She possessed the patience to bridge the few slight misunderstandings that naturally occur in a large family. Her daughters always confided in her as she was calm and grounded and was a great listener. She was also quite witty in her own way in handling day to day issues and shared tips and tricks with her daughters on how to deal with their respective spouses. The family grew to 27 grandchildren, 46 great grandchildren and 1 great great grandchild. In 1999, her third son Appu and his wife, Selvi, organised Nadeson and Sampurnam’s 60^th wedding anniversary. It was held with great festivity as the siblings, children, in laws, grandchildren, nieces, nephews and friends witnessed the re-enactment of their wedding with much grandeur.

Nadeson and Sampurnam's actual 60th wedding anniversary ceremony in 1999

Her oldest son in law - Kandasamy, a man who loves his own mother tenderly always made sure his wife called and visited her own mother fequently. He always made sure that both his mother and mother in law were treated equally with love and respect. When both Sampurnam and Nadeson came to Nibong Tebal to stay, the second son in law Raman took excellent care of both of them. He loved and respected them both very much and the respect was mutual as Raman was a dignified and a man of his words. His brother was the third son in law – Appu. Her third son in law always regarded her as the best mother in law.

Her fourth son in law Jeya always said she was quiet but pleasant and was always motherly. He is indebted to her for willing to travel over 600 km with Nadeson to care for his daughters when they were babies. His brother Indran was the fifth son in law and he loved Sampurnam very much. To him, she was always so humble and kind. The youngest son in law Bala always said he was blessed to have Sampurnam as his second mother.

Her birthday party with her children and spouses

In May 2004, the third daughter Lale lost her husband. Both Nadeson and Sampurnam were there to lend their moral support as she struggled through the tough time with her two young daughters. Tragedy then struck again in August 2010 when Nadeson passed away after a brief illness. She was only 87 but having spent a huge chunk of her life with her husband; 71 years of marriage, his death was a big blow. He was 95. She then had to get used to living without having him next to her but she soldiered on. As she was residing in Nibong Tebal, she formed deep relationships with her grandchildren and great grandchildren and it was a joy as one saw it as love, friendship and respect. From tending to her grandbabies, Sampurnam had the opportunity to tend to her great grandbabies as well. She even bathed them in the traditional way of sitting on a low stool, having the baby on her stretched out legs while bathing the baby.

Sampurnam lived with her daughter Mani and her late husband, Raman for more than 10 years. Here is next to her great grandaughter, Nirashinni who has given her a great great grandaughter, Shivanny

Having spent her life busily tending to her growing family, Sampurnam finally had the chance to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. She was taken to the cinema to watch Katthi, went to Batu Ferringhi beach, stayed in a hotel and enjoyed her first hotel breakfast. She even experienced her first pedicure. She was a good sport and nothing fazed her although life whizzed by quickly. Despite her age, Sampurnam was a liberal thinking woman because when some of her grandchildren wanted to marry non-Hindus, she had no objections but advised them to ensure the person is good, responsible and takes care of the future spouse because that is all that mattered.

 She never shied away from spending time with each of her family members in ways that always made them feel special. She was motherly and was present in each and everyone’s lives. In 2012, her second son in law Raman passed away suddenly.  Both mother and daughter became closer as they found solace in each other to fill the absence of their respective loving spouses.

Despite some bleakness, life went on for Sampurnam punctuated with happy events such as weddings and births. However, she lost both her sons consecutively; Baba in 2018 and Thambiyah in 2019. Their passing took a toll on her as she never once thought she would outlive any of her children. She often said no matter the age, when your child dies, your heart breaks. No mother should ever go through this phase in their life. She relived memories of them by talking often about them and her life in Kuala Kangsar.

In December 2019, her eldest son in law passed away. Unable to travel long distance, Sampurnam felt bad that she could not be with her daughter but kept tabs on her through her other daughters. She was low in spirits so a few months later, her youngest daughter Jayn took her on a road trip along with her other two sisters; Mani and Lale back to Kuala Kangsar to cheer her up. The journey was video recorded and it was a jolly ride. They went down memory lane as they visited No. 291, and Valli’s children together with her brother’s family at Kenas Road.

Sampurnam had a special bond with each and every one of her children as they were very different from one another. Her eldest daughter – Avalli – was very much like a close friend as Sampurnam was only 18 when she had her. Thambiyah was her pillar of strength and even though he had migrated to Australia in the 70’s, he made a point to visit her annually up till 2017. Baba the charming son was always the one with a great sense of humour and generous with his hugs. Mani her second daughter was her confidante as they stayed together. Lale was the strict and honest daughter but loved her family fiercely and like her mother, she tended to the unwell selfessly. Appu was her youngest son and the closest to his mother. He lived with her after getting married and so did his children. Unlike her other daughters, Mala was spared from doing any household chores as she was always busy beautifying herself. She was also the one who always bought her trinkets. Usha was the shy and clingy daughter. Whenever there were sleepovers at No. 290, she would be scared of the dark and sounds of the night and always ended up going back to her mother in the middle of the night. She took her mother to all her hospital appointments. The youngest, Jayn was the sporting and hype daughter who took her out in car rides, told her jokes and took selfies and videos. Sampurnam always advised her children to be patient and tolerant and that caring for people should be of utmost importance. Remembering her advice, her children took good care of her during her last days.

As in any big family, events occur rather frequently and Sampurnam always made sure she would participate in them. From being there when any of her grandchildren were born to 16-day prayers, baby naming ceremony, ear piercing, head balding, coming of age ceremony, engagements, civil registrations, nallangu, muhurtha kaal to kalyanam and not forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, wedding receptions and even funerals she was present, lending her positive aura. She has gone to Penang, Perak, Selangor, Melaka, Kedah, Terengganu, Kelantan and even to Perth,Australia.

She always tried her best to participate in family functions

Sampurnam will remain sorely missed by her children, sons in law, daughters in law, nieces, nephews, grandchildren, grandchildren in law, great grandchildren, great grandchildren in law, great great grandchild and family friends for a very long time.

Her needs were very simple as she took interest in her children and grandchildren’s lives, always enquiring and giving advice when asked. Her personality was grounded, warm and motherly. The lessons she taught us and the values she stands for as she lived based on love, compassion, empathy, trust and respect. We have said our goodbyes but her values remain in our daily lives. She now lives in our hearts with warm and beautiful memories.

Sampurnam Ayya Samy

4.11.1923 - 1.9.2020

Sampurnam has many titles; wife, Amma, Aunty, Atte, Paati, Pooti and Kollu Paati and she embraced these titles proudly. We are so blessed, grateful and proud to have her in our lives.

She lived a full and complete life in its entirety. Just like her name; Sampurnam.

 

Curated & Written by Heamaashini Nadarajah Jason

Heamaashini fondly known as Hemy is Sampurnam's 18th grandchild

Our very own Frontliner Hero

When a cousin, Dr. Yasothini Arunachalam volunteered to be a frontliner, many of us had mixed feelings. We were proud of her but we were also worried about her safety. So when she returned home after the stipulated quarantine time, I seized the opportunity to find out from her about how was it like being in the defence team against the incredibly tiny yet destructive virus.

1. What was your reaction when you learned about the pandemic and its severity?

I was following the news closely and felt alarmed at the rising numbers and was quite worried about it.

2. What thoughts played on your mind when you volunteered as a frontliner?

I knew right away that I wanted to help because I have the skills to do so. Plus the clinic I worked at was closed so I was free. When I received an e-mail from CPRC asking for volunteers, I had a discussion with my husband and kids and they supported my decision to sign up as a frontliner. I did have some concerns as I have diabetes therefore I am a high risk but I was confident that I would be fully protected when executing my duties.

3. Did you face any form of resistance and discouragement from your extended family or friends? How did you manage that?

When tsunami struck in 2004, I wanted to join Mercy Malaysia but my children were very young and husband was working full time so I couldn’t volunteer therefore when this opportunity came, they gave the green light. My husband and kids reluctantly said that they would manage as they were older now and my husband was working from home. Even my mum said she was waiting for me to volunteer and cheekily added that she wanted to join me. Of course, I said no (laughs)

There were no outright discouragement from others and those who voiced their concerns about my safety only offered to include me in their prayers. I am blessed for the support and love everyone gave.

4. What was your day like during your voluntary days?

So three days after I filled up the form, I received the call to attend a briefing session at the National Institute of Health (NIH) in Setia Alam. By then, I had moved into my apartment. Every day I would drive to the Lembah Pantai  Health Office(PKLP), park my car there, attend the briefing, review the cases for the day followed by the daily plan before we are assigned to teams. Then we board the van to head to our zone. We are divided into 5 different tiers from registration, taking samples from the patients until the specimen is labelled to be sent to the lab. Each tier has specific tasks. My job involved screening the Sri Petaling tabligh cluster as well as the residents at Menara City One condominium, Selangor Mansion and Malayan Mansion.

5. What were your feelings when you were out there being a frontliner?

We were assigned to one of the Red Zones in KL which is the Masjid India area. Our team comprised of medical officers, nurses, health inspectors and medical assistants. And we worked hard for at least 5 hours non-stop. Honestly, we were too busy with work to feel fear of getting the virus but one can feel extremely agitated when wearing  the PPE with masks on. You would have to put it on for at least 2 hours and maximum up to 4 hours. You would not drink water or go to the toilet because you would not want to compromise your safety by removing the mask even for a few seconds to take a sip of water. So the unbearable heat and dehydration can really bear you down.

6. Did you ever have the fear that you would contract the virus when you were treating the patients?

On my first attempt of taking a swab from my patient, he vomited all over me. I panicked for a bit because this was my very first patient but I quickly got myself cleaned thoroughly immediately. So the worry was in the back of my mind but that patient was tested negative later on and that was a relief. He was extremely apologetic, poor guy.

Dr.Yasothini in her full gear

7. Did you face any uncooperative patients while you were carrying out your duties?

The patients (mostly migrant workers) understood the importance of being screened so they were very cooperative.  We had a little bit of communication problem (of which nothing simple sign language could solve)

8. What did you do manage the loneliness during your quarantine?

After the voluntary stint, I had to quarantine myself for two weeks. I took the opportunity to learn how to play the keyboard, I read a lot and visited my family (from afar) once a week. And to stay fit, I used the stairs up to 10 flights and gradually increased it to 30 flights before the quarantine ended. I lived on the 36th floor. Zoom calls with family and friends kept me company too. I did miss my bed though (apart from my family, of course)

9. Was the experience being a frontliner as what you had imagined?

Yes. I loved the adrenaline rush and to be able to do something for the country in this unprecedented times. I had chats with my friends in the public health sector who gave me some ideas of what to expect so I was mentally prepared. And I was so proud to see our team grow from 30 to 90 frontliners before my stint ended

10. What learnings have you acquired from this experience?

This virus has taught us that one can never take life for granted.  And it’s amazing to see how people of all walks of life come together to fight this virus without seeing race or hierarchy.

Although it is a catastrophe, it has also revealed the side of humans where we can be united when need be. Very similar to families, when needed we put our differences aside and come together.

11. What are your opinions about how Malaysia has done to combat this pandemic as compared to other countries?

I must say that the Public Health sector has done a fantastic job in taking the preliminary actions earlier on so we could manage the pandemic. As you know many countries out there are crippled by their overwhelmed and exhausted medical fraternity. I am convinced we have taken the right steps to keep it under control.

12. What is the one thing you believe would help to keep the pandemic at bay here in Malaysia?

To strictly adhere to the guidelines provided and rules set by the Health Ministry as well as the National Security Council. It will take some time before life gets back to how it used to be.

Her Own Person

The Movement Control Order was implemented on March 18, 2020 and was initially informed to be a two week order but has now been extended to another two weeks. It’s April 2^nd, 2020 and it is Day 16 here in Malaysia.

Late yesterday evening, we heard loud shouts from the opposite block (We live in a condominium complex; 14 blocks altogether) At first we thought it was a bunch of kids calling out their friends from their balconies. But it became louder. When we went out to our balcony, we saw many others out on the balcony as well, waving their handphones with the torch on. Just calling out and saying Hi. And somebody did a cool show with green light that got everyone cheering loudly. It lasted for 20 minutes, my kids were excited as well but I felt my chest tightened and tears sprang to my eyes. I am not sure what was the act all about but I felt it was a display of solidarity. That we are in this together and we will come out of it, together. Just when I had that word in my head, I came upon it again when I watched Idris Elba’s video on Goalcast emphasising the power of solidarity in the face of this horrible pandemic.

Solidarity means unity or agreement of feeling or action. That was what has been displayed by so many people all over the world. The frontliners is a commonly used word now that even my almost 6 year old knows it. The frontliner is the person who is part of the ecosystem that supports our new norm now. They are the foundation actually. Out there protecting the masses; medical fraternity, some politicians, armed personnel, food deliveries and the list goes on. I am of the ‘rakyat biasa’ who is doing her part by staying at home trying to break the chain of pandemic. How is it going so far, you ask? Will fill you in another time.

What I would like to share instead is my profound gratitude to a few individuals who in their own capacity has displayed selflessness in championing solidarity. They are basically regular people with big hearts and their actions have set off a ripple of positive reaction. I wanted to celebrate them for being themselves and I hope this little write up will do them justice. The list is in no particular order.

Image from Google

1. Angie Chin

Founder of Hanawomen Hub, Hanafundme.com and WonderWomen Asia, this enterprising woman and I first met a little over 2 years ago. We are the very personification of Yin and Yang yet we collaborate with each other perfectly. Angie is incredibly active on social media and is (tactfully) vocal about her views and opinions about everything under the sun. I personally don’t think she sleeps la. She is constantly bursting with ideas and loves sharing them with her friends. Angie is a true blue SME champion so when the Economic Stimulus Package was rolled out, she was the first few ones who raised her concerns and feedbacks and got the rest of us who are not so literate in economics to ponder. Angie is best in probing and making you think in different angles and that was what she did throughout this MCO,  she raised questions, made statements and even rallied us to make thank you messages for the frontliners of which she compiled and made a quick montage to be shared. While most of the SME owners are still mulling over on how to survive in this trying times, she has already formulated a business package to be activated once the MCO is over (told you she doesn’t sleep) I hope she knows how inspiring she is to so many people including me! Do follow Hanawomen Hub and Hanafundme.com for very exciting updates.

2. Viviantie Sarjuni

I first met Viviantie in January 2019 when Hanawomen Hub was launched. Our mutual friend is Angie. Viviantie is one of those people whom you would gravitate towards unknowingly as she exudes such positive aura and she is the sort who is everyone’s friend. Viviantie just like Angie is ‘anak jati’ Sabah. She has rolled out many initiatives to elevate the economic status of Sabahans. I love reading her updates on FB and found myself admiring her determination and deep love for her people. When the MCO announced, Viviantie was very concerned about her fellow people who did not possess a good comprehension of English and Bahasa Malaysia about Covid-19 and Dos and Don’ts of the MCO so she rallied her friends who got their friends to translate the messages in the various dialects in Sabah. There was also one done in sign language. Having translated these messages definitely helped to manage the panic and fear everyone had towards Covid-19. I have been a Malaysian for 30 odd years but this was the first time I heard so many dialects and I was floored by the commitment these lovely Sabahans had in ensuring their people get the message crystal clear.  Here’s letting you know what an amazing person you are Viviantie as you always put your heart and soul in all your endeavours. She recently joined the Sabah Creative Economy and Innovation Hub after a stint at MaGIC. All the best to you!

3. Hemavathy DM Suppiah

Hema is my dear friend whom I became friends with when we were mere dreamy 18 year olds. Although we grew up and mounted more commitments in our life and often go months without talking to each other, we often checked on each other. Hema is the sort of friend whom you would not have been in touch with for aeons but when you meet her, you just pick up the last thread of conversation and carry on. She is one of the most compassionate, caring and kind person I have ever known and recently these traits of hers were magnified through her actions. Hema and her mother are in KL during the MCO although they are actually based in Ipoh. She joined the voluntary group to supply food and essentials to people who needed them. She and her fellow volunteers summoned the courage to go out there and help the people who have been affected by MCO. They did this by being very diligent in ensuring all safety standards are met when they execute the tasks. She even managed to rally the support of her friends in Ipoh to help some families who were in need all the way from KL. Hema is generally attuned to people’s sufferings and takes extra effort to be the ear to listen, the shoulder to lean on and the hand to help. She is also a champion of mental health and often shares information about it.  I don’t think I have done enough justice by describing what a selfless person she is through my tribute because Hema always has a magical way with words and is an incredibly gifted writer. You are a hero, Hema. I am so proud to be your friend.

4. Kavi Vitya Kathiravelo

Kavi is my Yoga teacher who reignited the love towards Yoga in me with her simple approach. Apart from yoga, we share the love for great Tamil movies and 80’s Tamil songs. Kavi’s down to earth personality has garnered her many friends and also fans. She is a very hardworking person and is often finding ways to improve herself. When MCO was announced, Kavi’s business as a Yoga Instructor suffered as she could not operate her studio and also have her private and corporate classes. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, she started off online classes right away and that endeavour evolved into something better when she got other fitness enthusiasts to join her too in for other forms of fitness. She places much emphasis on mental health and stress management as well which are integral in living during MCO. I have always likened her to the Phoenix, the symbol of strength and renewal. She always rises amidst difficulties and that is such an admirable trait. A free spirit, Kavi is happiest bonding with Mother Nature. Although her business has been impacted, Kavi still insists on voluntary contribution for her online classes. I am so proud of you, Kavi. Can’t wait to start our yoga session soon (Due to being home bound with two chipmunks, I have not been able to follow her class. Excuses, I know) Please follow Kavi and her company; Vityalayaworldwide on IG and FB for exciting updates on the world of Yoga and also her online classes.

5. Arzierin and Hanna

These two ladies are joint recipient of the Awesome Woman recognition (by me) These two ladies are the 2/3 of a new initiative called Women CareerAspiration Network (WeCAN) the 1/3 is me la. We started this initiative to support women who wish to re-launch their careers. Fairly new in business, we had an interesting line up of activities for the members only to have them on hold because of MCO. But these ladies put on their thinking caps to further inject enthusiasm and motivation for the women to go out there and find their dream job. Do you know a lot of companies are actually hiring now? I found out from them myself. Appropriate learning interventions are shared regularly and pep talks (via messages) are given  just to keep the hopes high among our fellow ladies. They are the true epitome of sisterhood who only wish to lift you up. When they found out that I was feeling down as my business is impacted because of the pandemic, they readily offered monetary assistance. Such kind souls and I am so honoured to run this WeCAN initiative with them simply because their heart is in the right place and they love to hug! By sharing their insights on the job market, these ladies are inadvertently steering the other women to the right path in securing employment so the family’s economy is not impacted too badly.

6. Rishma and Yaso

I saved the best for last (I know, I did say no particular order) because a) they are family and b) they are both doctors. I am very fortunate to marry into an awesome family. I truly mean it. One of the main factors are the amazing role models I have in the family. Rishma is Suren’s sister in law. She is the Public Health Medicine Specialist who is based in Seremban. Rishma is a person with very high calibre. She is extremely dedicated, disciplined and has sharp focus in everything she does. She is in charge of making sure all the infrastructure are in place in order for the frontliners to execute their tasks efficiently. It’s a mammoth task and she has been working tirelessly day in and day out without much rest in between. Rishma is one of the important puzzles in making sure the medical team work competently. I don’t think there is anyone else who would do this job better than her (okay, I am bias. She’s family but she is super good) I have always admired her as a career woman and a mother and having seen her doing this job so amazingly, I can only say that I am super proud of her and she deserves so much of gratitude for working so hard to ensure we flatten the (damn) curve.

Yaso is Suren’s cousin’s wife whom we all regard as the big sister. A GP with flexible working hours, she recently volunteered to be a frontliner. You may think that being a doctor, it is a natural inclination to serve the country when you are needed but in actual fact, it is not that simple because we don’t know the severity of the pandemic. We do some sort know about it but we are still at the fire fighting stage, frantically putting out the fire that we don’t have the time to sit down and plan what to do next. Many would also contemplate risking it when there is so much at stake. Yaso is a wonderful mother to her 3 kids and I am sure when she decided to help, she would have thought the others have kids too so what’s the difference? That’s how Yaso is, always quick to help and extremely dutiful. When I first found out that she has ‘been drafted’ I literally had the song ‘Inilah Barisan kita, Yang Ikhlas Berjuang’ playing in my head and for the first time (in a very long time) wished I was a doctor so I could help too.

So here they are the women whom I admire for what they are and for what they have been and still doing during these troubled times called MCO. I chose to write this to honour the impact they have although they may disagree. Each one of us are doing what we can to safeguard the humanity. My deed is no greater than yours. We are in this together. The other objective of mine is to practice Gratitude because despite the difficulties, if we pay close enough an attention, we are better off than so many out there. Thank you ladies for being so inspiring and in return I hope you will be inspired too by others in your circle.

In the words of Idris Elba (man, he’s hot) now is the time to think of solidarity, now is the time of thinking about each other.

Stay safe and sane, everyone!

Till Death Do Us Part

Title sounds a little morbid given the pandemic we are in, right? Well I am going to address the elephant in the room. The topic many people have been avoiding to talk about. The opposite of social distancing that is happening in the confines of your own home.

As many forwarded messages and memes are depicting how mothers are going to turn into wild animals since she is being cooped up with the kids, men who get kicked by their wives for playing football in the house and many others, the truth is many of us are truly nervous spending time with your better half in the closed confines of one’s home in this quarantine period. It’s pretty much similar to the first stages of dating him or her where you just want to show your best side.

This is how it is; you meet someone, date for a while, get married, have kids and life goes on. The evolution of the marriage is such: the giddiness turns into sheer happiness then contentment and then many adjustments to have a harmonious marriage. Having kids can be a deal breaker; your marriage either strengthens or weakens.

In my case, when I met my husband, I thought he was the most caring man ever (he still is in some ways. But I am no longer the center of his universe. The kids are) We are what one would say the classic examples of opposites attract. We are so different; I am the eldest in the family, he is the youngest, I am a flighty Gemini, he is the grounded Libran, his numerological number is 1 which often highlights the leadership qualities and mine is 9 which is somewhat a rebel to the 1. However, we are both Roosters; it’s not the perfect match in the Chinese zodiac because since Roosters will be pecking a lot that signifies a lot of bickering. Even in the Indian zodiac, I am the fiery Leo and he is the laidback Virgo. So, you see, despite these differences, we dated for 6 years and got married and had kids.

We were blessed to have our first kid very early in our marriage but that did change the dynamics of our relationship. We were responsible for another human being. Over time, I began to lose my coolness and I became more paranoid. Not of him but because of our kid. Most mothers have fear creep into their hearts and live there permanently when she becomes a mom. It happened to me too and it intensified when the second one came along. This paranoia of mine became the bone of contention in my marriage. It became the basis of all our arguments. The reason I realised this is because I did a lot of soul searching. Arguments suck big time. And when our ego is bruised it’s even worse. He is the cool dad and I am the high-strung mum. We both have different parenting styles too which in most times seem okay but when it’s not okay, BAM! Another argument happens.

The icing on the cake is we run two businesses together and because we are so different it translates into our working styles. And you got it right. We argue a lot at work too. And because we are partners at work and in life and we are so different, it may appear that we are arguing all the time and sometimes it gets dragged on for days!

Reading this may make you think, what the heck is making us stay together then? Trust me there is a lot of reasons. Apart from the kids, we love each other fiercely. It has evolved over the years but now and then we get to see the glimpse of what we used to be either through a gesture or a statement and that’s thrilling. And we are best friends. He is the one I turn to first when something vexes me or makes me happy.And we enjoy talking things through. I am also fortunate to have wonderful in laws (I have to say that coz most of them will be reading this, hahaha) there are so many role models to look up to and free counselling is available too 😊 My late father in law used to say ‘Fix what’s broken not throw them away’ and I always remember that when the going gets tough.

I have also realised how many people devote their lives to their children which is an admirable act, really. But it is important to note that our kids are really not ours and when they leave the nest, you are left behind with your spouse. Therefore, it is integral to have a solid foundation in your marriage. That’s the person you chose, you married and had kids with and with God’s Grace that’s the person you will live with ‘Till Death Do Us Part'

It is so easy to stay angry, pout and sulk for days, trust me, I do that but it is not healthy. For yourself and also your marriage. My sister in law who is a very successful divorce lawyer once told me ‘As much as you think he is at fault, you have to remember that you are not perfect too’ which simply means everyone is hugely flawed. Having that in mind has averted many potential explosive arguments at my end.

The relationship with my husband has no definite parameter. We live and work together so it is a herculean effort to separate our arguments; home and work. But after working together close to 5 years, I believe we have some sort acquired the art of biting our tongue before saying that well deserved snarky remark only to mull it over and deliver our counter arguments in a more positive manner. And this was achievable with a healthy dose of distancing between us. We live together, we work together but we also pursued our interests separately.

But now that we are thrown in together in a confined space, we have started to walk on eggshells again. It takes adjustment. When the PM announced ‘Take the time to spend some quality time with your loved ones’ I went like 'Easy for you to say!' I may sound ungrateful by stating this as our frontliners are out there combating the pandemic while I am whining about being stuck at home with my husband but it is a real issue. Everyone is making adjustments in their marriage right now. I have a sister who only used to see her husband during the weekends but now she sees him every day. I would like to know how is that going. Another sister whose husband has a fixed schedule of being away from home half the day is now at home the whole day. And finally, my youngest sister who is a newlywed but is confined in her 450 square feet house with her super restless husband who cannot stay at home for more than an hour. Everyone has struggles. The pandemic is a bigger problem but for those who can’t help directly and have been asked to stay put at home as an indirect help for the world to curb this problem has a huge responsibility too.

It’s not about being at home and watching TV all day long, it’s about staying sane. If you have a spouse and kids, it’s all about teamwork. Planning the meals, activities to keep the kids occupied, house to tidy up, these are activities that can fall under the purview of a tag team. Saying please and thank you go a long way when you are stuck in a small apartment.

Just the other day I came across an image that showed that the air quality has improved significantly because the factories are shut down which is great but there is another underlying problem, the factory workers have no source of income now and this is going to affect their mental health. The world is definitely combating a huge problem with so many underlying issues and consequences and if you zoom into one aspect which is home quarantine; the sanity of the people in the home is at stake too. Many interventions are now available; free channels on TV, online yoga classes etc but unless we mindfully repair ourselves from within nothing else is going to work. That’s why my favourite forwarded message is ‘Can’t go outside? Go inside’ which relates to doing some soul searching. What better time is there to do it than now?

                                                     Image from Google

It’s Day 5 of quarantine in Malaysia and by God’s Grace no major arguments between Mr & Mrs Smith here haha but reliable sources have shared that the quarantine may be extended therefore it is imperative to come up with plans on not to avoid having arguments but how to strengthen the relationship with my spouse. In my opinion, in a marriage, Love is not the most important thing but it is Communication. No one is a mind reader (unless you are) so what you need and want to say should be translated and transmitted accurately and effectively. Gandhi once said ‘Be the Change You want to See’ and it applies perfectly in marriage too. You want your hubby to be more affectionate, you have to be more affectionate too. A marriage involves two persons so it takes two to tango just like how it takes two hands to clap.

In this vexing time, let’s work hand in hand in ensuring we have a harmonious marriage which is the pillar of a balanced community. Let’s aspire to speak to each other with love and affection and continue showering each other with kindness and care. Most times, we are more caring towards strangers than the people who matter the most to us.

Here’s wishing you a contented marriage in time of Corona

Disclaimer: Despite the argumentative nature,we are truly fun people to hang out with