Ashes

My father in law has been gone for a year. I thought it would be nice to share what my husband wrote in his memorial book, a tribute to a man whom he considers as his hero.

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As I stood waiting with Shanthan and the rest of my family members to collect Appa’s ashes the next day we had cremated him, memories of my last conversation with him came flooding my mind against my will.

At 12.20pm on Thursday, I received a call from the nurses’ station in HDU informing me that they were going to transfer Appa to ICU. I rushed in with Uncle Visvan and when I saw Appa, my heart sank. He didn’t look good at all. I asked him how he was feeling and he shook his head.  I turned to ask the nurses some questions and I saw Uncle Visvan stroking his hair. I glanced at the monitor and his vital signs looked below normal. I asked him again, ‘Appa, how are you feeling?’ to which he replied softly while looking at me directly ‘I don’t feel good at all’. Seconds later, his face turned red, he let out a loud yawn and passed out.

I froze as though my blood chilled me from the inside and I remember thinking that my Appa is gone. I just stood there for a moment unable to react or even help him and was feeling absolutely useless. The doctors and nurses rushed to him and immediately gave him a cardiac massage. Uncle Visvan pulled me aside and I remembered a staff nurse telling me to call the rest of the family members who were waiting at the lounge to go to the meeting room so the doctor could speak to them.

I walked to them in trance and told them where to wait. In the background, I could hear Shamala and Amma crying while in my head I kept pleading, ‘Appa, please don’t go, not yet’. Minutes later, which felt like the longest moment of my life, the nurse called me back to the room and the doctors explained that Appa was intubated and had to be rushed to the ICU. I looked over at Appa, his eyes were closed and I thought again, ‘Will I ever speak to him again? I need to tell him that I love him or at least something more.

My feelings were on a roller coaster ride for the next 24 hours. The family support was in full force. Although I was talking to them and responding to the thousands of messages and phone calls, the last look Appa gave me kept playing in my mind over and over again. I went home to take a quick shower and when I looked at my child, I felt a profound sadness that Appa would not be able to spend more time with her as he did with Shivaran. 

I did say that I loved him at the CCU and always will and promised to take care of Amma and also strive to make him proud. I told him to forgive me for all my wrong doings and I kept on talking to him just to keep the awful memory of how he last looked at me at bay. My heart was breaking into a million pieces. Although I am now a family man myself, I still needed my Appa and I wasn’t prepared to let him go. Appa has done so much for me and one last thing he did was he didn’t make me the  person to inform my family that he was no longer with us and managed to stay on for another day so everyone could say their goodbyes.

The next few days passed by in blur and with so much of sadness. I was so lost. I just went through the motion of doing what was supposed to be done until the day we collected his ashes. I didn’t know how to comfort Amma who took care of dad like no one else could ever do as he was her world and of course he took very good care of her as well.

I insisted on driving. I wanted to drive Appa for one last time. Shanthan held the urn containing what’s left of Appa and I drove the ‘three’ of us towards the seaside to conclude the ceremony. While one hand was at the wheel, I touched the urn with the other. I know Shanthan was far away with his thoughts. Memories of car rides with Appa came to me as well as the tears. I played his favourite song on the radio, the one I remember him drumming his fingers to its tune. Without us knowing, we were approaching towards Klebang and memories of our younger days flashed through  my mind. Then came” Taman Muhibah” the place we lived most of our lives together. Shanthan and I thought we should drive him home for one last time. The car cruised silently into the lane leading to our house and the grim realization hit me. Appa is no longer with us.

At the beach, I saw Shamala breaking down at the sight of the urn and we three huddled around Appa for the last time. The mighty man we call Appa has been reduced to ashes and it broke our hearts to do the rightful thing a Hindu should do, to release ‘him’ into the water. For a while, time stood still, happy memories of my childhood and visions of Appa smiling happily at me sprang to mind. I know he will always be right next to me and nagging me as he usually does.

I can never ask for a better person than Appa. He was everything for me like how he was for Shamala and Shanthan and also his lovely wife. He treated each of his children equally yet differently. He understood I was not book smart like Shanthan and Shamala as he cultivated my strengths in being street smart. He knew I was keen on sports and encouraged me to pursue it instead of pressuring me to be a Profesional. Never once he compared my achievements with my siblings and for that I am eternally grateful as he allowed me to grow into the person I am with his and Amma’s love,support and understanding.

My wish now is to be the kind of Appa he was to me, to my daughter and if I can be a fraction of what he was, I would count myself as successful.

Thank you Appa for loving me and I will always love you.

Your Son,

Suren

 The little memorial corner at our house

From our ancestors come our name, but from our virtues, our honours.

Okay, I picked that title up from the internet but it resonates with my post today. We just concluded my late father in law's 1st year memorial prayers. It was a solemn ceremony attended by family and close friends. Coincidentally, today would have been his late mother's 100th birthday.

Madam Saraswathi Mylvaganam

January 17,1917 - November 7,1957

His mom, the late Madam Saraswathi passed away at the tender age of 40 due to some medical errors. My FIL was 16. His two older brothers a few years older, his younger brother was 10 and his sister, the only girl in the family was merely 2 years old. Her death was a huge blow to the whole family and affected them in different ways. Her husband refused to remarry despite his family’s strong recommendation and chose to be a single parent for the next 26 years. He passed away in 1981. I don't know much about my father in law's older brothers as they were long gone before I married into the family. But I know from the stories and my simple observations that his younger brother became somewhat a rebel in his teens (he is doing great now) and his sister although very much doted upon by her father and brothers turned out to be fiercely independent. As for my FIL, he became the darling boy for every maami in town and was also very close to his mother in law.

From the bits and pieces I gleaned from her children, Saraswathi was a strict but a loving mother. She did not enjoy robust health but was always happy to lend a helping hand whenever she can. As the eldest daughter of 8 siblings (7 daughters and 1 son) she was the filial daughter and the perfect eldest sister everyone looked up to.

In the 1940’s, she and her children left to Sri Lanka to escape the war and to spend some time with her family. During her stay there, she supervised the constructions of some homes of her family members. Alas, although she did the same to the family home in Malaysia, she was not alive to see it complete. The whole family moved into their new house without the lady of the house.

When my FIL’s older brother got married, he apparently told his wife that he would like to name his daughter after his late mother. His wish came true when their second child was a girl. And she was the apple of his eye and my FIL was very close to her. This Saraswathi is fondly known as Sara. She is the personification of all sweet and nice. She married a nice bloke who was born on November 7 (The day Saraswathi passed away in 1957) Definitely an episode of X-files!

Fast forward a few decades later, when my hubby and I found out that we were expecting a baby girl, he mentioned that he wanted to name her ‘Saraswathi’. Okay, to be honest, it is a pretty traditional name but when he said that his father would be happy and I like names being passed down the generations (Mat Salleh wannabe..hehe), I relented on the condition she gets a another name that would sound nice with Saraswathi. We quickly settled on Diya Saraswathi. Diya means ‘Lamp’ and Saraswathi is the Hindu Goddess of Knowledge. Pretty grand name for a kid, eh? So yeap Pebbles is Diya Saraswathi who goes by Diya, Diyasara and Diyalo and sometimes Mangamma Jack :P Needless to say, my FIL was over the moon when he found out and always told everyone (who had functioning ears for the matter) that Diya was named after his mother.

 Sara and Diya

(Saraswathi II and Saraswathi III)

I know naming a child after someone who has been revered for years is a huge burden for a child. I mean what if she turns out to be the total opposite of the strict but loving Great Grandma Saraswathi or even the sweet and lovely Sara maami? Well, as any parents do, we give our children the roots to know where home is and wings to fly off and practice what has been taught to them. That’s what Great Grandma Saraswathi did and what Sara mami is doing with her children so Diya will do just fine.

Saraswathi may be 100 today and may have been gone for over 60 years but her legacy of sound family values lives on in her surviving offspring, her son in law and daughters in law, a host of grandchildren and the cutest great grand-children.

The great Mylvaganam family

Since there are holes on the heaven’s floor, she will be peeking over her loved ones with her husband and three older sons. They must be throwing her a really grand birthday party.

Happy 100^th Birthday, Diya’s Great Grandma. Like your son, Logen said, ‘You have hit a century, amma!,’

Like Seriously!

Pebbles and I were lazing in bed, tickling each other late one morning when hubby stepped out of the shower and left the room to check on his handphone. I yelled out ‘Where are you going, darling?’ knowing very well that his first appointment of the day was only an hour later. Pebbles tugged at my hair and said, ‘Papa is going to work, amma’ and when I asked her ‘How about amma?’ she replied ‘Amma no work’ Those words stung me badly. My 2 year old thinks I don’t go to work because I hardly step out of the house and to think that equates to not working hurt a lot.

I am aware that many mothers face this ‘cruel’ statement from their kids but I can’t believe I would get that so soon. She is only 2 for god’s sake! Needless to say I have been in a very bad mood since the D-day (It’s Day 3 today)

Just the other day, I was discussing with Hubby how we fellow women always put the others down. We are constantly competing with each other instead celebrating the sisterhood of being women! Why I brought this up is because a relative once commented along the lines that being a SAHM makes one lazy. I was like What?!!! Motherhood is a job so a SAHM has a job not to mention an undervalued one and we freaking work 24/7!

I only have one kid and already I am feeling guilty about the house being too messy and I am not doing anything creative for myself but I comfort myself by saying that I am making memories with my kid so I can clean the house later but right now Pebbles wants me to ‘talk’ to me on the phone using a loose tile and a bowling pin ( I know, I should just get the kid a toy handphone) So don’t you dare say that SAHM is lazy. It is pretty obvious that I am in a foul mood.

Look, I have nothing but deep respect for mothers who have everything figured out and have things going on a clockwork but cut us, mothers who are yet to get to the ‘Nirvana’ state of motherhood some slack ya.

As for my kid, It is time to let her know at every possible moment that her Amma works. At home as a freelancer and also as her mother because my darling Pebbles, motherhood is a freaking full time job with almost zero benefits and with tonnes of unwelcome remarks!

*Takes a deep breath and shakes off the negativity*

Image from Google

HAPPY NEW YEAR

It has been almost 4 months since I penned my thoughts and the only word that kept haunting me is the word my dad often uses and often quizzes its meaning on unassuming people; lackadaisical which according to Dictionary.com means 

adjective

1.

without interest, vigor, or determination; listless; lethargic:

a lackadaisical attempt.

2.

lazy; indolent:

a lackadaisical fellow.

That's exactly what I have been for the past 4 months and totally not proud of it. Oh well, I am not going to delve in this sorry state of my life instead I am going to talk about New Year!

Happy New Year, guys! Hope you had a great one. I sure did amidst Pebbles' tantrums. It was nice spending some time with my folks. Made me feel blessed and more grateful that I still have them and I have resolved to be more appreciative of them.

I usually spend some time writing in my diary about the past year and often they are bleak moments. I seriously have to focus on the positive moments! Geez! So I didn't this year and had all the things I want to be this year ingrained in my head which are pretty straight forward; to be present, grateful and healthy. Three key ingredients to lead a happy and fulfilling life.

Seriously, life is not so complicated. It is the brain of ours that keep muddling our thought processes. It is important to stay focused on our goals and we will reach the destination, sooner or later. I am thankful that I have people I look up to emulate and also detractors to keep me on track (of course I feel thankful for them after I murder them in my head :P 

The only thing that is glaring in 2016 is that I have FINALLY started to cook. Yeap, at grand old age of 35. I am beginning to believe that I am a late bloomer :P I have tried some interesting recipes. No fatal victims so it is safe to say it is edible Yippee!! I am beginning to enjoy to cook not to mention how therapeutic it is (I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT!!!!) Just the other day, had a huge argument with Hubby and instead of sulking in a corner, I cooked a feast which was yummy judging from the empty pots and pans (no leftovers!)

The only time I feel stressed out when cooking is when Pebbles decides to join me in the kitchen. She just loves to live life dangerously, the little teenager of mine. Doesn't help that she turns a deaf ear to me when I yell at her to step away from the stove! Even writing this is making heave!

So yeah, I can cook now, YIPPEE! But then again I stopped Yoga for no apparent reason so that is not cool :( I resolve to learn something new this year so hope to keep you fantastic ardent readers of mine, posted. Ciao!

Be Present

The Wedding Speech

I was tidying up my bookshelf when I came across the guest book that was used during my wedding reception almost 3 years ago. In it, I had slipped in the speech I wrote and made during the reception. I thought it was a good thing to get it 'immortalised' in the cyber space :)

I have to warn you though that I am a big fan of the Academy Awards so you may find some resemblance to the flow of the contents but not the length because you have the orchestra to signal that your two minuets is up. My guests had no choice but to listen to me :P

So here goes...

Good evening beloved family and friends,

For those of you who don't know, I got married last Sunday to this wonderful man standing next to me and we are here today to celebrate the union of I daresay the bestest families in the world.

It has been a flurry of excitement for the past week which started off with a grand wedding in Melaka among closest family, friends and well wishers. There were 900 of them. Followed by an awesome party, the Melaka style at the residence of my darling sister in law and her dashing hubby. It was a magical night filled with fireworks, a lot of good food and booze, fantastic music and fun, laughter as well as a horse. (Dear readers, my husband and I rode in a horse drawn buggy from hubby's parents' house to his sister's which is about 300 metres away)

It took us 2 whole days to recover and then we set off for our family moon in the island of food haven, Penang. All 32 of us(ages ranging from 70 years old to 6 months old) enjoyed ourselves immensely amidst the cozy surroundings which helped to strengthened the family bonding (not that we needed hep in that department)

At this point, I am sure you are wondering why family moon not honeymoon. Well, to cut the long story short, both my husband and I come from families who value family above everything else. Therefore, it is only fair that we take this opportunity to thank them personally for turning us into the happy campers we are now. Brace yourselves, this is going to be a long speech.

First off, to my loving parents, Mr&Mrs N whom affectionately call Ma and Pa; there are no words to describe how lucky I am to have you both as my parents. You both are simply my pillars of strength. My only wish is to raise my children just the way you have. Thank you for supporting me in all my endeavours, motivating me when I am down and for simply being the greatest parents. I will forever be eternally grateful to you both.

Next, my three darling sisters who I never cease to boss around. Although I always tell people that you three are up for adoption, you know Akka loves you a lot. To Hazel, thank you for showing me that the sky is the limit. You never fail to amaze me with your relentlessness in pursuing whatever you have set your heart on. To Tara, I admire your patience and strong determination in bulldozing through the mundane of life. Thank you for being my sounding board. To my baby sister, Pippa. I am so proud of who you have turned out to be which is the exact replica of myself; kind, gentle and super nice. Thank you for being there for me especially during the last 3 months when we have been busy with wedding preparation. I know I was not an easy bride to work with. To all three of you, I will always be your big Akka till the day I die so you still need to listen to me.

My two good looking brothers in law; Jay & Steve, thank you for marrying my sisters and getting them off our backs. On a serious note, I see you both more as my brothers so thank you for all the support and encouragement rendered so far. Keep up the good work.

To the host of relatives at my side, my paati, my periappas, periammas, chittapas, chittis, mamas, attes and cousins with their families, my deepest appreciation for the love you have showered  to me and my family always. If god gives me the chance to choose my relatives again, I'd still choose all of you. You guys, ROCK!

Moving on to my parents in law, thank you for accepting me as your daughter in law. I know you had no choice because I made sure I was within your radar for the last six years but I am grateful anyway. I am blessed to be the daughter in law to a pair of in laws who have deep set principles and I am looking forward to receiving the teachings.

To my sister in law and her hubby, I can never ask for better role models. I am in awe of the effort you both had taken to ensure Hubs and I have the best memories of our wedding. You both are the ideal older siblings who shoulder the family responsibilities without any qualms. My fervent wish is to be half good as you both. Our deepest gratitude for all you had done and will be doing.

To my wonderful godson whom I can now proudly call my nephew, Sid, you are the epitome of the perfect kid; smart and witty with a touch of mischief. Thank you for teaching me about life from the eyes of a six year old. Can't wait to share more adventures with you.

To my brother in law and his wife, thank you both for being there for us and for all the encouragement, support and love you both have provided. Here's looking forward to celebrating wedding anniversaries together. (Hubs and I got married on the same day a year later after them)

To Leo boy, thank you for telling me to 'go for it' on that fateful day way back in 2007. If it wasn't for you, this would not have been possible. I am not intoxicated..yet so please believe me when I say you are my brother. Now and forever. Therefore please clean the bathroom when I tell you so.

To the M&S crew with appachi as the matriach, I have fallen in love with each and everyone of you. How couldn't I? It is indeed a blessing to be part of this fabulous family and I thank my lucky stars and past karma for that.

If it is true that men are like stars, with so many to pick from but only one who can make all your dreams come true then Hubs is my one star and I can't wait for the rest of our dreams to come true.

What can I say? Darling, yo are my soul mate, my mentor and my partner in crime. You've stuck by me through some really tough times and some of my best memories are of times spent with you. This might sound cliche but you truly did make me the happiest girl in the world when you asked me to marry you and I can honestly say that I'm proud to be standing here now as your Mrs. I know that life won't always be a bed of roses but I can promise you now that, whatever it tries to throw at us, I'll always be there by your side as your wife and your best friend.

I love you more today than yesterday but less than tomorrow.

Told you it was a long speech. Reading it again made me think that my sentiments remain the same and I am blessed for the life I have. It also made me wonder when will I go for the real honeymoon :P



*Names have been changed to protect their identity..hehehe

Me&Hubs

My TV dilemma

One of the worst things that can ever hit a movie buff is (wait for it) motherhood. Yeap, I said it right.
I love my kid to death but for the past 21 months, I have been watching the best movies and TV shows in parts that stretch over days because my kid's needs always come before mine. So am I a bad mom to lament about this? Of course not! I am merely stating the facts.

It is amazing how Pebbles can orchestrate a perfect full blown tantrum when her mother is watching something interesting on the telly and more often than not the meltdowns happen at the very important scenes i.e the revelation of the killer, the doctor's fatal diagnosis, the magical kiss etc. I am convinced my kid has been wired to burst her mom's bubble(s) of happiness. Oh boy!

The simple solution would be to record the program and watch it at another time but here the potential of another problem arises. My hubby is a TV junkie too, watching all kinds of sports on TV. I bet you if there is a lawn bowling competition on TV, he'd be watching too. So yeah, recording is out of the question.

So what do I do? Besides praying hard that Pebbles doesn't wake up from her nap too soon or do not throw a tantrum, I just make sure I know when the repeats are being aired so I can watch them in parts. Yeap, still in parts because it is either I don't watch it at all or 'earmark' the part I last watched before I had to deal with motherhood. Life is tough but you just got to bulldoze your way through. 

Many mothers I know don't watch the telly as they are swamped with other commitments. Personally I rather squeeze a 30 minute of telly than washing the dirty dishes in the sink. The telly for decades has served as a tool of escapism for many and it has been a faithful one for me just like books. Whereas I can't for the life of me, read chapters half way through, the telly is a simpler, no fuss alternative.

While I battle with Pebbles' inconsistent sleeping pattern, I shall persevere in my journey to expand my creativity through the box which is definitely not an idiot for this mother. Bring it on, great shows!

My experience with HFMD

When cases of HFMD were circulating in social media. We didn't pay much attention to it. We did not take Pebbles anywhere except for a short trip to the mall on my birthday (that was aeons ago). Her babysitter's grandsons were well and active.So you can imagine my horror when the doctor diagnosed that she was having HFMD!

It all started with a fever and some rashes on her legs. Hubby and I thought the rashes were a reaction to the high fever she was having so we got her checked out and lo and behold little Pebbles was told rather nonchalantly that she has the HFMD. Phone calls ensued soon after to establish where she got it from. We received 'clearance' from the babysitter. Her grandsons were OK. We didn't take her to any public places so the only plausible cause we could find is she could have come in contact with an adult who didn't sanitize after dealing with contaminated items. Pebbles is the sort who says hello to every individual in the lift and says bye bye to them too. A complete opposite to her reserved parents.

So it was heartbreaking to see our little Ms.Congeniality writhing in pain on day 2 & 3 when the rashes were big and red. She was constantly whining when we didn't let her scratch her body. The worst part was she absolutely hated being under quarantine. After much cajoling from her in her baby language, we took her out for a drive on day 5 and she was over the moon.

Dealing with a condition that has no vaccination and can only be treated with Calamine lotion and PCM can be nerve wrecking. Luckily, we have doctors in the family who offered some valuable advice and also FB which was flooded with the Do's and Don'ts.

Here, I am sharing what we did to go through the HFMD episode.

1. Quarantine. It is important to stay indoors with your child when he/she has it. PLEASE don't expose other children to it. If you need to go out, make sure you don't touch any kids and that your hands are thoroughly sanitized.

2. Hygiene. Please ensure your home is clean. All soiled diapers must be disposed immediately in proper manner. Empty your trash cans on daily basis. Change your child's towel every two days. Always wash your hands when you deal with your child's food and drinks. Make sure your nails and that of your child's are short and clean. I swept and mopped the floor every night (tiring!)

3. Food. Forget nutritional value for the 1st five days. If your child has ulcers in her mouth and tongue like Pebbles did, the diet would very much consists of ice cream, yoghurt, jelly and ice cubes. Munching on ice cubes was a great relief to her. If you are worried about the milk intake, try cold milk.

4. Attire. Pebbles was only in her diapers for the whole duration. Her clothes scratched her and she often screamed out in pain so she was au naturel sans the diaper (haven't potty trained her yet) Understandably, she had rashes on her buttocks so we bought diapers one size larger for better comfort.

5. Pain management. PCM and Calamine lotion are definitely not good enough. The paed give a mouth spray to ease the pain in the mouth but Pebbles hated the stinging sensation so we let her munch on ice. To keep her from scratching herself to frenzy, I used a small towel to gently scratch her. She was also in the tub of lukewarm water to soothe the pain every 3 hours on day 2&3. Cuddles are great too :-)

6. Patience. You need LOADS of this. Hubby is more patient than me but I had to be with Pebbles because he was busy with events back to back. So I had to deal with the incessant tears and whining plus I was under house arrest too. Solution? Take a deep breath and subscribe to Cartoon Network..he he he..seriously, Pebbles' vocabulary widened considerably after watching the cartoons and Mum got to watch some really nice ones too. Big fan of Doc McStuffins here! On a serious note, keep your child occupied with some activities. Your routine will be disrupted so take short naps to restore your energy.

Although Pebbles was diagnosed with the mild version of HFMD, it was nevertheless a harrowing experience for us. If you suspect your child having it, please get it checked right away. Then try dealing with it effectively but as fellow parents it is IMPERATIVE to ensure we are responsible enough to avoid it from spreading it to others by simply being mindful.

Pebbles is back to her bubbly and cheeky self. With all the ice intake, we are dealing with a case of flu now. Nothing that good old Sterimar can't solve. Thank God!

 

Pebbles taking a break after wrecking the house