As many
forwarded messages and memes are depicting how mothers are going to turn into
wild animals since she is being cooped up with the kids, men who get kicked by
their wives for playing football in the house and many others, the truth is
many of us are truly nervous spending time with your better half in the closed
confines of one’s home in this quarantine period. It’s pretty much similar to
the first stages of dating him or her where you just want to show your best
side.
This is how
it is; you meet someone, date for a while, get married, have kids and life goes
on. The evolution of the marriage is such: the giddiness turns into sheer
happiness then contentment and then many adjustments to have a harmonious
marriage. Having kids can be a deal breaker; your marriage either strengthens
or weakens.
In my case,
when I met my husband, I thought he was the most caring man ever (he still is
in some ways. But I am no longer the center of his universe. The kids are) We
are what one would say the classic examples of opposites attract. We are so
different; I am the eldest in the family, he is the youngest, I am a flighty
Gemini, he is the grounded Libran, his numerological number is 1 which often
highlights the leadership qualities and mine is 9 which is somewhat a rebel to
the 1. However, we are both Roosters; it’s not the perfect match in the Chinese
zodiac because since Roosters will be pecking a lot that signifies a lot of
bickering. Even in the Indian zodiac, I am the fiery Leo and he is the laidback
Virgo. So, you see, despite these differences, we dated for 6 years and got
married and had kids.
We were
blessed to have our first kid very early in our marriage but that did change
the dynamics of our relationship. We were responsible for another human being.
Over time, I began to lose my coolness and I became more paranoid. Not of him
but because of our kid. Most mothers have fear creep into their hearts and live
there permanently when she becomes a mom. It happened to me too and it
intensified when the second one came along. This paranoia of mine became the
bone of contention in my marriage. It became the basis of all our arguments.
The reason I realised this is because I did a lot of soul searching. Arguments
suck big time. And when our ego is bruised it’s even worse. He is the cool dad
and I am the high-strung mum. We both have different parenting styles too which
in most times seem okay but when it’s not okay, BAM! Another argument happens.
The icing
on the cake is we run two businesses together and because we are so different
it translates into our working styles. And you got it right. We argue a lot at
work too. And because we are partners at work and in life and we are so
different, it may appear that we are arguing all the time and sometimes it gets
dragged on for days!
Reading
this may make you think, what the heck is making us stay together then? Trust
me there is a lot of reasons. Apart from the kids, we love each other fiercely.
It has evolved over the years but now and then we get to see the glimpse of
what we used to be either through a gesture or a statement and that’s
thrilling. And we are best friends. He is the one I turn to first when something vexes me or makes me happy.And we enjoy talking things through. I am also fortunate to have wonderful in laws (I have to say that coz
most of them will be reading this, hahaha) there are so many role models to
look up to and free counselling is available too 😊 My late father in law used to say
‘Fix what’s broken not throw them away’ and I always remember that when the
going gets tough.
I have also
realised how many people devote their lives to their children which is an
admirable act, really. But it is important to note that our kids are really not
ours and when they leave the nest, you are left behind with your spouse.
Therefore, it is integral to have a solid foundation in your marriage. That’s
the person you chose, you married and had kids with and with God’s Grace that’s
the person you will live with ‘Till Death Do Us Part'
It is so
easy to stay angry, pout and sulk for days, trust me, I do that but it is not
healthy. For yourself and also your marriage. My sister in law who is a very
successful divorce lawyer once told me ‘As much as you think he is at fault,
you have to remember that you are not perfect too’ which simply means everyone
is hugely flawed. Having that in mind has averted many potential explosive
arguments at my end.
The
relationship with my husband has no definite parameter. We live and work
together so it is a herculean effort to separate our arguments; home and work.
But after working together close to 5 years, I believe we have some sort
acquired the art of biting our tongue before saying that well deserved snarky
remark only to mull it over and deliver our counter arguments in a more
positive manner. And this was achievable with a healthy dose of distancing
between us. We live together, we work together but we also pursued our
interests separately.
But now
that we are thrown in together in a confined space, we have started to
walk on eggshells again. It takes adjustment. When the PM announced ‘Take the
time to spend some quality time with your loved ones’ I went like 'Easy for you
to say!' I may sound ungrateful by stating this as our frontliners are out there
combating the pandemic while I am whining about being stuck at home with my
husband but it is a real issue. Everyone is making adjustments in their
marriage right now. I have a sister who only used to see her husband during the
weekends but now she sees him every day. I would like to know how is that
going. Another sister whose husband has a fixed schedule of being away from
home half the day is now at home the whole day. And finally, my youngest sister
who is a newlywed but is confined in her 450 square feet house with her super
restless husband who cannot stay at home for more than an hour. Everyone has
struggles. The pandemic is a bigger problem but for those who can’t help
directly and have been asked to stay put at home as an indirect help for the
world to curb this problem has a huge responsibility too.
It’s not
about being at home and watching TV all day long, it’s about staying sane. If
you have a spouse and kids, it’s all about teamwork. Planning the meals,
activities to keep the kids occupied, house to tidy up, these are activities
that can fall under the purview of a tag team. Saying please and thank you go a
long way when you are stuck in a small apartment.
Just the
other day I came across an image that showed that the air quality has improved
significantly because the factories are shut down which is great but there is
another underlying problem, the factory workers have no source of income now
and this is going to affect their mental health. The world is definitely
combating a huge problem with so many underlying issues and consequences and if
you zoom into one aspect which is home quarantine; the sanity of the people in
the home is at stake too. Many interventions are now available; free channels
on TV, online yoga classes etc but unless we mindfully repair ourselves from
within nothing else is going to work. That’s why my favourite forwarded message is ‘Can’t go outside? Go inside’ which relates to doing some soul searching.
What better time is there to do it than now?
Image from Google
It’s Day 5
of quarantine in Malaysia and by God’s Grace no major arguments between Mr
& Mrs Smith here haha but reliable sources have shared that the quarantine
may be extended therefore it is imperative to come up with plans on not to
avoid having arguments but how to strengthen the relationship with my spouse.
In my opinion, in a marriage, Love is not the most important thing but it is Communication. No one is a mind reader (unless you are) so what you need and
want to say should be translated and transmitted accurately and effectively.
Gandhi once said ‘Be the Change You want to See’ and it applies perfectly in
marriage too. You want your hubby to be more affectionate, you have to be more
affectionate too. A marriage involves two persons so it takes two to tango just
like how it takes two hands to clap.
In this
vexing time, let’s work hand in hand in ensuring we have a harmonious marriage which is the pillar of a balanced community. Let’s aspire to speak to each other
with love and affection and continue showering each other with kindness and
care. Most times, we are more caring towards strangers than the people who
matter the most to us.
Here’s
wishing you a contented marriage in time of Corona
Disclaimer: Despite the argumentative nature,we are truly fun people to hang out with
